God's sweet gift

Peace

2012-01-23T22:06:00.000-08:00

I haven't written here for almost a full year. I was finding it hard to make time when there were so many things in real life that I wanted to be doing more. Tonight I need a place to write and put things on paper; where tons of people won't see my thoughts and spread it like wild fire....no one really reads this anyways.

I can't sleep. I haven't really slept in a long time. There are so many deep struggles in my own immediate family but Sunday, it branched out to my baby sister. She's not really a baby, she's 27. To me, she will always be my baby sister. Somehow I always thought and still do, that she was not emotionally strong enough to handle real life. I always felt like I needed to shield her from things, protect her from truths, carry the burdens for both of us....to protect her from her weakness. I think it is an older sister trait.

Sunday at 3:25 am my sister gave birth to my niece, Isabella Monet. Such a beautiful name for a wonderfully beautiful baby. She was born grey, no heartbeat. The doctors started doing chest compressions on her immediately and once they got her heart started again they applied oxygen and took her to icu. Meanwhile, Heather was bleeding badly. I guess there were puddles on the floor....she lost a lot of blood, was dealing with pre eclampsia....finally they were able to stop it. They had her go to sleep and she slept for 7 hours.

During that time Greg was told that Bella was not breathing on her own and the doctors were concerned she may have Down Syndrome. By last night she was able to breathe on her own and weaned off oxygen praise God. The tests for DS have been sent off and will be in this Thursday.

Heather was so weak she only got to see Bella for a few minutes when she woke up. Today she is feeling much better, was able to hold Bella during the night and today was able to start trying to nurse. All things being huge miracles. Heather is struggling emotionally though, as she should be. There are so many normal and abnormal things going on.

I hate not being there for her. I am supposed to protect her from these things. I can't and that hurts, frustrates me, makes me mad. She is my best friend and I hate that she is hurting and that I can't be there to go through this with her. I know Greg is there, and my mom is there now too but it isn't the same. There is a special bond she and I share; almost as if we are twins seperated by 3 years. It is strange but true and has always been that way.

I miss my sister and while I know God is in control and all of this will work out for His will.....it doesn't make the pain for her go away. Even Jesus mourned at the death of Lazarus before raising him from the dead.....

Tonight I am praying for peace for everyone, continued health improvements, miraculous results and sleep for all of us. If anyone reads this, please pray for them.

Ramblings

2011-03-24T00:25:00.000-07:00

Today I took Caileigh out on her bike to learn how to ride without training wheels. I took the training wheels off before we started and we rode around in front of the house. After dance we went up to the school and went in the grass (dead mind you...it's still winter here) and Papa soon met us to help work his "magic".

We could only ride for about 20 minutes because of the setting sun and the cold temperatures quickly coming. After she broke into tears...I think her limits were pushed a bit (that's good for her as she would not push her own limits for fear of failing) and her hands frozen, Papa decided it was time to head home for tonight and try again tomorrow. Just as they were coming to the end of the grass, he let go. "I want to stop, I want to stop!" is all we heard as she continued to ride straight ALL. BY. HERSELF!!!!!!!! She rode about 15 feet alone and then was ready to stop. Wouldn't you know at this point I had already put the camera away and in the car so I could help load up the kids and bikes.

There's always tomorrow! :)

Braedon is giving me the worst time lately. I don't know if it's a growth spurt, stress from all the loss lately and Mommy's reflected stress from all the loss or just a horrible case of terrible twos. FYI--If you have a 2 year old and they have not hit their terrible twos, I have extra for you to come pick up!

I just don't know how to handle him. Tomorrow I am calling a pediatric behavioral therapist. She is supposed to be really good, highly recommended. I just don't know how to discipline him and after yesterday, I think he was out of time out for a whole hour collectively! He's screaming, biting, hitting, throwing himself on the floor, throwing things (anything in reach), telling me "no" ALL the time, running when I ask him to come to me. I have been told to make him stay in his room all day, spank his bottom if the time out and warnings don't work, bite him back (coming from friends and a ped doctor), speak loudly and forcefully telling him "no"......

Most of the above practices sound horrible to me, logically don't work and others I have tried don't work. His aggression and impatience is growing. There has to be a way to handle this. Caileigh was never like this; she was and still is a mental button pusher. She will argue a point until she's blue in the face but never screamed, hit or bit. I don't want to make matters worse and with Soapy's schedule, I need to know how to handle this alone.

It breaks my heart to be stern. He is my last one, my last baby here on earth. I don't want to ruin that or lose it too soon. I just don't know what to do to help him or improve his way of expressing himself.

Caileigh's four front teeth are now loose; all together. So with any luck she will lose all 4 center teeth and will be drinking her meals through a straw until the new teeth come in. And while we're on the conversation of teeth...who in the world told these kids at school that the tooth fairy give a $1 per tooth???!!! I remember getting a dime or maybe a quarter!!

Braedon went to the big boy toilet yesterday and two days ago. All by himself!!!! Then today he cried and screamed at the idea of even thinking about going to the bathroom and sitting on the toilet. I am so ready for him to be potty trained!! His poor bottom has been so sensitive and anything in his diaper causes sores right now. Plus the cut in groceries would be nice too!

Caileigh got all A's on her report card, has been doing karate and takes her first belt test next week and this week has been in a dance camp with a local touring ballet company Ballet Emmanuel. She is having so much fun and Friday will dance in their concert! Can't wait to see it!!

Ok, going to try and go back to bed now and sleep. Goodnight!

Full Day and a Wonderful Cause

2011-03-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

I had my photography class today! It was so much fun, so exciting and so rejeuvenating to do something for me, something I have a passion for. I have so many ideas about how I would like to use my love for photography, I am praying God will give me guidance on how I can use it to honor Him.

Soon this blog will have MUCH more color on it as I will be adding so many photographs and would love comments/tips on what I post (please be respectful though, this is my art and I am putting my heart into it).

I took my mom out for a bit (they have let her come home with very strict rules to stay calm, relax and stick to her diet) to get some fresh air and enjoy the nice weather we are enjoying this week. I can't believe that Wednesday it should be 70! I so pray this weather sticks around through next week; I would love to spend spring break outside with the kids!!

Today was our last ballet class for this 8 week session at the elementary school. Tons of moms came to watch...would have been a great day to actually have something concrete planned but I think we made the best of it!

Tonight my heart is very heavy (like I literally am having a pressure in my chest that I get when I am stressed or worried for an extended amount of time) for Japan, for our nation, for this world we live on. There are so many ironic events that have happened recently that keep me pondering Revelations and how to discuss that with a 6 year old. Hmmmm, still thinking on that one, any advice is welcome. :)

A friend of mine, Renee posted a story this evening about "Beth". She is a mom of three living here in the Springs. Renee met her through Mary Kay, God led her straight to this wonderful woman. She is a dancer and I don't think it would be a form acceptable at the studio I teach at. She desperately wants out but cannot even afford the bills she currently has and is receiving shut-off notices from the utility companies.

Tonight Beth gave her life and heart over to Christ. Through tears she shed herself of all the guilt, pain, fear, and struggles of her past. Renee is trying to help collect the money needed to keep her utilities on and to help her find a way out of her current job field. They are meeting tomorrow to discuss this further. Renee would like to help and has set up a fun on her blog. I have attached the Chip-In widget here as well. I know this is a sudden request but really is not that much to put together. Chip-In is completely confidential and secure so your information will not be passed on to anyone. Please pray for Beth as she begins her knew life and pray God would allow enough people to bring together enough money to help give this mama a fresh start.

True Love

2011-03-12T00:39:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep so I am blogging a thought I just shared with a friend. It is a thought my sister shared with me this past week on love. I hope it speaks to you like it did to me.

My sister and I were talking about relationships this past week and the sometimes unhealthy "in love" feelings we can have for a man. Of course we all know that the Bible teaches us to put our love and devotion to God first, our husband second and our children/family/friends third. How many of us have really sat and thought this one through??

I know this is a complex thought when just blurted out there like I have above, so I would like to break it down the way my sister did.

First of all, God wants us to love our husbands. He wants us to follow our spouse and allow him to lead our family unit through faith, finances and daily decisions. While we are to love our husband and follow our husband we are not to allow our husband to control our devotion. When we try to take the steering wheel of our life away from God and give it to our husband, to man.....it is disastrous.

While we are to follow our husbands leadership I am reminded of what my mom would always tell me about peer pressure "If they jumped off a bridge would you do it?" We are to follow our husbands as long as their path is pleasing to God and follows His commands. Ultimately God is to be in control.

When we forget that God is in control we begin to rely on our husband to fix everything, answer every problem, love every fiber of our being. That is putting a lot of pressure on our spouse! That is not allowing him to be the man God wants him to be because he is too focused on striving for perfection. We are setting our spouse and ourselves up for failure.

Secondly our whole love is for God. It is only right, only healthy that our aching love, the love that comes with painful yearning and desire to please be protected and set aside for Him. God is our Heavenly husband. We are to desire to please Him and love Him with every fiber of our being. Our actions should reflect that devotion and love.

After we have given of ourselves and our hearts to the Lord, then it is right to give our love to our husbands; and only in a married union that is built upon the Rock. Only then will our need to please our husband be healthy because our need to follow Christ is already being met.

Only then can we realize what a healthy union and devotion to our earthly mate should really and truly be. Only then can our false expectations of our relationships with men be put to rest. Only then can God begin to work within us to be His light to the world and an encouragement to our husbands.

My sister said, "The song says but that's not true. You need more than that and it was always intended to be more than that." Once we have God and our love for Him is right, then our devotion to our husbands will fall into place.

I hope this helps someone out there. It really struck me after we hung up how many times I am more worried about whether Soapy is happy; if I am making him happy, if I am pleasing him. I realize from time to time how I have been more worried about his approval instead of His approval; times I lean to Soapy for comfort and protection instead of my Heavenly Father. That is not healthy and is something I need to fix. It results in disappointment that Soapy couldn't live up to my expectations but how could he? That isn't fair to desire him to take the hole that was only meant to be filled by God.

Tonight I am going to pray God helps me preserve that hole just for Him. Tonight I will sleep well knowing God's arms are around me instead of feeling the "need" for my husbands' arms around me to keep me safe.

Simple Post

2011-03-11T23:28:00.000-08:00

My Abba,

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

That is all.

Love,

Me :)

Praising God Tonight

2011-03-10T21:01:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the few day absence of updates.

MOM IS HOME!!!

The doctors discharged her tonight and my dad was able to bring her home. It wasn't until yesterday afternoon that she began to turn the corner suddenly. The specialist came in Tuesday and layed it on the line how she was most likely going to lose her colon or worse. I think it sparked a sense of urgency in her to pull herself up and just do it!

They can't re-test her level of infection for another 2 weeks and they can't really get a good read right now of the effects this has had on her colon long term but for right now her colon is beginning to function again! They were able to wean her off of the iv's last night so today she did everything by mouth.

She has VERY strict instructions to stay in bed, relax and rest; to eat and take the new antibiotic they have her on (which is severely more potent than the last and she's on a double dose of it each day) and be careful around others. She is not in total isolation but if symptoms return she is to head back in, she is to be very careful washing and contact with others (That they then go wash as well).

Thank you to everyone who has been praying. I ask that you continue to pray for her recovery and that the lasting effects would not be severe. There was concern over the infection spreading and the amount of infection becoming cancerous later. Her risk of getting this again now is astronomically great! If she were to catch this again, she would not be so lucky as she was this time.

Thanks everyone, God Bless you all and goodnight! :)

Urgent Prayers Needed

2011-03-08T14:05:00.000-08:00

Please pray for my mom. The specialists pulled my Dad aside this morning to explain the severity of the situation. It was explained during rounds to my mom that she needs to eat so the nutrition can begin to clean out her colon. They've told her so far that her body has not responded to the antibiotics so they will be doubling up on her amount. They told her it's important to eat or she could end up having surgery on her colon.

***Translated to my Dad: We are increasing her doses of antibiotics because she hasn't responded in 48 hours. She NEEDS to eat immediately and frequently to have any chance at getting better. If she doesn't she will lose her colon entirely. There is a lot of infection in the descending colon that could spread and if not successfully removed could turn cancerous. This is serious!

We have to try to keep her calm and relaxed. She needs to rest and she needs to eat through the pain she will experience with eating. She has to or it is going to drastically change her life. They haven't told her all of the facts because they don't want to scare her yet and have her upset and worried to the point of doing more harm than good.

I am scared. I won't lie. I just lost my grandfather this past week. I couldn't be there. I can't be with my mom because she is highly contagious and I have to be careful not to spread it to the kids. My sister and I have had this horrible intuition that something is wrong. We are trying to pray through those feelings and not let Satan take over our running our imaginations wild.

Please just pray.

Quick Prayer Request

2011-03-07T22:32:00.000-08:00

My mom went into the hospital last night. Saturday she and my dad flew back from Arizona, my grandpa passed away and was buried Saturday morning. While it may seem harsh that they would fly out that afternoon, my mom has been very sick for a long time and has been putting off going to the doctor due to her parents' health.

She has spent the entire last two weeks mostly in the bathroom (a very constant occurrence) and has not been able to keep anything down. Sunday afternoon (they got in at 3:30 am) my dad had her at the ER where they admitted her. After a CT scan, blood and stool samples were taken, it was discovered that she is suffering from a combination of things: Irritable Bowel Disease (which I have found is worse than IBS), ulcerate colitis (or something medical like that), and C diff (a bacterial infection of the colon).

The C diff infection is quite progressed and unfortunately part of the treatment she has unknowingly been doing for the last two weeks without any improvement. She is to be on a mostly liquid diet consisting of items higher in sugar and sodium; no dairy or solid foods of any kind. She can have chicken broth and a small amount of rice but the bouillon cubes won't stay down.

This afternoon they were optimistic that even though she has apparently had this highly contagious infection for a while she was getting better. This evening things have taken a sharp turn downward and they are preparing a mix of narcotics partly to relieve her pain and partly to knock her out a bit.

C diff is highly contagious; I cannot go down there and risk bringing it back to the kids. Due to her autoimmune disorders (which are advanced) her body will definitely have a much harder time recovering. Right now they are just hoping she starts to turn the corner which is not guaranteed with the advanced state of the infection and all the other circumstances.

Please pray for my family. There has been so much sadness and loss the last month. We are all so emotionally exhausted. Please pray that God would put His healing hand on my mother and take this infection away. Please pray that my dad doesn't get it since he is there with her and that the rest of us stay clean of it too. Please pray for a safe return for my husband from work this week because I just don't think I can take much more growing and stretching.

Back To School

2011-03-04T21:30:00.000-08:00

Only this time it is by choice and for something fun!!

On March 14th I will be taking a photography class of sorts with a wonderful friend of mine Kristi heading up the entire event! Between now and then we will be given assignments to complete and post to our group; of course I will post them here and over the next few weeks we can see how my skills evolve. I am so excited and charged for this project!

I love to take pictures; I always have. Even in college when I only had a P&S I would play with any setting I possibly had control over just to see what I could create. I have taken some pictures for friends along the way for fun and some to help capture memories of events. This past Christmas I had two "clients" that graciously let me play around with my camera while using their families as my subject material. I got a lot of great shots (some nightmare shots too) and learned tons.

The rough thing is, some of the things I am learning, I am not quite sure why they give the effects they do. I am hoping to answer some of these questions over the next few weeks. I need to start keeping a journal of every picture I take between now and then, what settings I used and questions I have about the outcome. This will really help organize my questions for class.

Sit tight and come back over the next few weeks to see all of the art I capture!

'Night!

PS-If there is anyone out there who would like to give me some practice let me know! I am always looking for volunteers. :)

Mondays, I don't care for you!

2011-02-28T22:03:00.000-08:00

Alternatively titled "My Not Me Monday"

I did NOT watch in slow motion as my son flushed a whole roll of toilet paper down the toilet this morning.
It most certainly was NOT in the master bathroom where I have forgotten several times to grab the plunger before heading upstairs to ~~hide~~ get ready to leave.

I did not lose half of my daughter's homework last night including her book orders and science club permission slip.
I of course ~~am still not a loser parent and can't find them~~ found them right away.

I did not let my son run around with a random stick in between his legs, or pour color crayons all over the floor, or nearly undress himself just so I could take ballet this morning. Not me, no my children behave and are well mannered. They always sit still and entertain themselves quietly while Mommy is working.

I did not then put my son in the car and let him fall asleep from which I immediately put him to bed once we got home without changing his diaper just so I could have 30 minutes to clean before needing to head out again.

I did not take said soundly sleeping son and carry him to the car and buckle him in. Only once buckled and still soundly sleeping realize the smell and dampness was not sweat but urine on his jeans. I did not then put clean clothes into the car and wait to change him once at the school because I was running late to teach.

I did not arrive at the school and attempt to change him in his seat.
I did not pick him up to move him to the front where there was more room and immediately lock my keys (both sets mind you) in the car.

I did not bribe my son to sit quietly and watch while I taught 16 little girls how to be ballerinas. I would never wait to give him his lunch until we arrived at the school so he would sit and eat instead of run loose like the wild 2 year old that he is.

I did not just let my son sit at his bedroom door and cry on and off for the last 45 minutes (he fell asleep before I started this post, I checked) while I worked on Partylite to try and break him of his late night parties he recently seems to love. (How do you get a child to go back to bed on time after being sick...especially when they are sick every other week!?)

I think that pretty much sums up what I did not do today. What did you not do?? :)

Garmaam, food, MckMama and Friends

2011-02-27T14:44:00.000-08:00

Two nights ago, my friend Renee, invited me to her house for an international skyping adventure.

Since my husband was out of town, I bundled up the kids for a pajama party! We swung through Target (since I didn't have enough time to finish the treat I initially set out to take) and grabbed some salsa and guacamole for the chips and a pretty cake (though not anywhere as good as my friend Karina's)

Braedon slept through the entire evening which is unheard of. Caileigh helped play with Dani (it really was such a chore for her...um...not really!)

We had a great time talking with Jennifer and the group from the village joining her. It was so much fun to think we were talking with a group on the other side of the country right through the computer and that the other side was not in a booming metropolis!

The entire evening was so much fun. We laughed and giggled and spent time talking about our blogs and how to design them. It was a wonderful and relaxing night.

Head on over to Renee's blog to watch a video clip Renee set up of the entire phone call!

Enjoy!

It's Just Not Fun!--mix and ramble

2011-02-27T09:20:00.000-08:00

Those are the words I hear from my daughter quite frequently when she is opposed to obeying and following directions.

"Why didn't you put your things away when you brought them to your room like I asked instead of throwing them on your bed?" -- "Because it's just not fun Mom."

Sometimes it just drives me crazy! Then I find myself telling God the same thing. I hear Him echo "Just wait, be patient and content, you will see everything work out in MY time."

I know God but it's just not fun!

I have not slept the last 3 days, actually sleeping for me for a while has been a difficult and unpleasant task. I am exhausted but toss all night long. The last 3 days my mind has been so preoccupied.

My grandfather is in hospice. He has cancer; has had cancer for the better part of 15 or so years. I remember he lost a kidney to cancer when I was 13. When I was 21 he was diagnosed with lung cancer which spread to tumors on his heart as well. He has defied all odds medically speaking and is even in the medical journal from 3 years ago. It's amazing God has kept him here this long and it makes me wonder why.

There are so many things I could see God using this time for. Some of which have happened and others, I realize it's not God's will. The doctors aren't giving him more than a day or two at best now. They made the decision to increase his morphine Friday so he is no longer eating or drinking; it shouldn't be too much longer.

While I am relieved he will not be suffering anymore, I have so much reserved hurt and pain from our relationship and pain I have harbored from the past. Prayers that for whatever reason were not answered how I wanted them to be and that is hard to understand.

I am anxious today for God to take him and that makes me feel guilty. You see, my mom is out there with my aunt right now. I took them to the airport Wednesday to fly out to Arizona. My mom is also very sick and was scheduled for a series of tests and scans to be done this past Friday. She has not had them done. My dad fears she has a bleeding ulcer (She's had one before and the doctors are now VERY concerned as she has been having complications since Christmas) and it is to the point where she cannot get up on her feet for more than a few minutes. ***may be TMI but this is a journal for me and she could use prayers*** She is passing redigested blood (black stools) and this is constant. My dad is worried she will be in the hospital too. Even more so, he is worried because as a boy he sat by his dad as he died and this was the last week's events before his death.

She refuses to be seen until after the funeral because she knows they will admit her. I am worried and trying to pray it over to God. I want to be with her but I can't take Caileigh out of school. Caileigh has been sick nearly every week, throwing up and then better immediatley following; that has me worried but the doctors think it's just coinsidence.

Soapy is always gone and that has me strung out a bit (As I know it does him too). I miss him. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want him here to make the decisions so I don't have to. I am trying to find care support for the kids while I teach after-school but it has become difficult so I am taking Caileigh with me and that means pulling her out 15 minutes early. I am worried that is going to get me in trouble but I don't know what else to do. I can't stop working, we need the money. I can't leave here there in the office for 30 minutes either.

I want to be able to turn all the worry over to God. I know I NEED to do this. I just don't know how. I need to get up and get ready to take us all to church, I want to be in church to feel a sense of peace but honestly I don't want to be around people. I don't want to pretend to smile and laugh when others ask "So how's your day?". I want to tell them honestly how it is without the shocked looks or the avoiding responses.

"I AM OK!" I really want to scream! I am just stuck in a spot right now that has me growing and sometimes it's "just not fun". I'm tired and just need some answers. I will be ok, God's will ultimately will take over. My grandpa will go to heaven soon and I will be able to work things out emotionally over time and with God's grace. If things get much worse I am relying on people around her to force her to the hospital. God will lead me to discover what Caileigh's problem is and why Braedon's doctors can't diagnos him. He will bring my husband home and help me move forward.

Right now it is just tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel and keep my mind focused on that light. I will be ok, "It's just not fun".

My first family photo session

2011-01-30T21:31:00.000-08:00

This was my very first photography subject outside my own family. Isn't she adorable?!?

This is R, who I have known for years. She has such spirit and love; absolutely sweet and it was totally sweet to have the opportunity to take her family's pictures for their Christmas gifts and cards.

Thank You!!!

Getting back to the heart of things

2011-01-20T20:56:00.000-08:00

Tonight I resumed a dance class that I started teaching at the end of summer. It is for preschool through first grade girls...or boys, but they tend to dance with "Mr. Mike" more; he's their hero. :)

The class was wonderful, the girls were so much fun (I teach all of them at other times too). We had a great time making up our own dances in the dark, playing Red Light/Green Light with a bouncy ball between our legs/arms/neck/shoulder/chin/feet...pretty much anywhere and anyhow I could think of.

After class was over and they left, I jumped into a dance class for myself for a bit. It is the first class that I have been to in atleast a year. That is sad. But what isn't sad and very exciting, is how much fun it was!!! I MISSED taking class. I missed hurting and feeling like my legs had turned to jello. I missed the classical, delicate side of ballet that really inside is my internal makeup. It was so refreshing and was therapy for my heart. I know I have missed dancing for myself and I know that I missed the exercise and the peace ballet brings for me but I didn't realize how much.

I came home happy, truely happy. That, I have not been in a very very long time. It is almost as if I can leave all my hurt, stress and frustration on the floor and walk away. It is such an amazing sense of peace. I am so lucky to have my husband home where he could watch the kids for me.

Tonight we had a great meal post dance. I made Taco Soup and Meatballs the other day with the 2lbs of hamburger I had in the freezer. The soup was enough for us all to have a very filling dinner last night, and three bowls of soup for lunch today. The meatballs I froze until this morning and we had spagetti with meatballs for dinner. I have only made meatballs once in the last 8 years and it was a HUGE flop! Tonights meatballs?? Well, they were amazing! They were so good I couldn't believe it. I was so excited and felt like I had accomplished a huge task today!

In other news...our Christmas stuff is almost all put away. I know,it is WAY past Christmas but to say life has been full of poop would be an accurate description..and everything else that comes with passing sickness around to everyone atleast twice. Thankfully, I have bleached EVERYTHING in this house atleast twice this week. I am praying all the germs are gone!

Soapy applied for a job with the railroad that would be such an answer to prayer in so many ways. It would help out the financial aspect of our goals without requiring some drastic measures on my part and would keep him home A LOT more than he is right now. I am very welcomed to that idea.

Braedon now says, "Peace Out Yo" and it is the cutest thing! Caileigh used to say it and it was adorable too. He is also in the midst of the potty training struggle and I pray that we both make it to the other side of this alive.

Caileigh got her report card last Friday. She has received P+ on nearly everything which is the equivalent of an A+. In her gifted/talented class she has been marked mostly High with one High/Avg. She is doing so well and we are so very proud of her.

Well, I think that is it. I am going to go do a quick workout before my husband gets back from the store and then I am getting a massage...he promised and I am not going to let him back away!! :)

So Tired and ready for BED

2011-01-12T21:49:00.000-08:00

I think I may have some sort of bug...I am not sure if it's the flu as I only feel weak, extremely tired and cold a lot. I have no fever, no vomitting so that is good. Anyone else have these symptoms before??

It has been a long, long couple of days. Braedon seems to be completely off his schedule. He doesn't want to eat, sleep...fussy when playing. I am going to pass some of the fussiness off on the fact that he is indeed male so he automatically gets frustrated easily when things don't go his way. But his sleeping and eating??? That is weird.

He doesn't want any of his favorite foods. WHen he does want to eat he takes a bite or two and then gets frustrated and pushes it away. I haven't been able to get him to stay asleep until nearly 12:30 every night. Two nights ago he woke up at 2:30 screaming and when I finally went in there he was standing in the middle of his room clutching his puppy just screaming his heart out...needless to say it ended with him in bed with me for the remainder of the night.

We may also be back to his old health stuff. Last month, Dec 12th he woke up vomitting and began a week long stint of horrible stools. It went away, we prayed it was just a horrible bug that his body held onto for a longer period of time. Then yesterday it started back up and by today his poor little bottom looks as though it's been scalded. One cheek is raw and bleeding so diaper changes are miserable for both of us. This time he is much bigger and much stronger. He knows a bit more about hurt and I feel horrible holding him down to change him.

I am praying that the potty training we are working on doesn't stop and in fact progesses faster so maybe we can avoid the whole wiping of the bottom all together. I am just not brave enough yet to let him streak the house bottomless. We still have white carpet in parts of the house until Soapy and I can finish laying the wood floors....not fun to clean.

Good news, or at the very least optimistic, is a report on Hailey. I haven't talked to Robin tonight but as of this morning she posted on Facebook that the morning was starting well. They were with Hailey's first doctor and they absolutely loved him! Lets all pray for good results and moving forward in a diagnosis/cure!!

Well, I think that is it. I am going to go put myself in bed and pray everyone sleeps until the alarms go off in the morning for school!

Hailey's LOVE-A-THON

2011-01-05T23:52:00.000-08:00

****UPDATE****
THANK YOU EVERYONE! We only have about 7 hours left before this Love-A-Thon completely closes. It surpassed my wildest expectations but then again, nothing is too big for God!

Thank you to everyone who has donated their money, prayers and help in so many ways. I know Robin is beyond words thankful! She and Hailey left today for Cleavland. I spoke with her for a few minutes yesterday and wanted to provide a short update as to their prayer needs.

Obviously they need prayers for travel, wisdom for her doctors, comfort for Hailey, a sense of peace and sanity for Robin, prayer that Jeremy and JJ are safe, happy and healthy while the family is apart. Robin shared that there is a possibility they will be doing some sort of exploritory surgery on Hailey's brain and that, as I can imagine, is very never wracking! If the doctors go down this path (which will only be decided after seeing and evaluating Hailey), Robin and Hailey could spend longer in Cleavland. Please pray that God allows these questions to be answered clearly and that the things necessary to extend their stay are provided in such a time that will allow Robin and Jeremy to feel confident that they can stretch their assets to cover it.

Thank you again to everyone who has read this story, passed on words of encouragement and prayers. I know Robin cherishes the positive comments on her blog; it gives her something to pick her spirits up and keep her going. If you have a moment, please stop by her blog every time you get a chance over the next few weeks and just drop her a little note.

THANKS! :)

Happy New Year everyone! I hope this post finds everyone well, refreshed from time together with family and friends and invigorated to begin a brand new year! We have had a wonderful few weeks together; enjoying time with both family and friends.

Today we spent some time in Denver with a dear friend of mine Robin Visbal and her husband Jeremy as they celebrated the birthday of their daughter Hailey.

Hailey is a beautiful, now 5 year old little girl. She is so sweet and has such a beautiful and kind spirit. Her favorite things to do are play with her "petshops", spend time with her family and wear anything pink!

Hailey suffers from Encephalopathy, seizures and alopecia. She recently spent nearly a week in the hospital (which included Christmas) due to one of these episodes. During an episode she is very much non responsive, combative and very unstable. To date the doctors are not sure what causes these episodes or how to control them.

This weekend Hailey and her mom have an opportunity to travel to Cleavland, Ohio to see a team of doctors that have accepted her into a diagnostic study. This is huge for Hailey! She needs this study, her family needs the hope that this study brings in finding answers and possibly a cure.

Unfortunately, due to Hailey being in the hospital and all that an extra stay brings financially, Hailey's parents are fighting to wrap up the financial aspect of this trip. All have left to cover is the stay (roughly $500) and money for food (for their time there, roughly $200). The trip and copays for the visit have already been taken care of and are non refundable.

I have attached links to Robin's blog, www.visbalfamily.blogspot.com , where you can read all about Hailey's history and medical conditions and to a Chip-In widget in my sidebar and in this post. You can donate directly to Hailey through this secure, online site. No one will be given your information and the money you send will go directly to helping Hailey's parents get her the care she needs and deserves.

Thank you SO VERY much for stepping in quickly and helping this family and this amazing little girl! I know they appreciate it beyond words!

2011-01-05T23:23:00.001-08:00

In Which My Son Egged My House

2010-12-20T15:31:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's true. My house was egged just a little while ago.
I am sitting next to my tree to relax while the perpetrator sits in time out.....I keep hearing "Sorry Mama, sorry Mama."

Caileigh and I were upstairs watching a Christmas movie and folding clothes. Braedon was in there with us but wanted his juice. He came back with eggs instead. Upon reaching the stairs he decided to take them out one by one and throw them at the steps.

Caileigh went to check on him and I hear "Mom!!!!! Come quick!!!!"

PLUNK....PLUNK....

More eggs cracking on the steps. As soon as I heard the sound as I walked down the hall I knew what it was.

So yes, my son should be great at pranking high school classmates because he already has a head start on everyone else. :)

PS-Eggs on white carpet do NOT look good.

It's Beginning To Look Alot Like Christmas....

2010-12-16T16:25:00.000-08:00

Or NOT! :(

We were forcasted to start accumilating snow last night and through the night and day today. Well, we got a few flurries this morning and that quickly our 10 inches turned into a dusting. So disapointing! :( Such a bummer because the temperatures are fridged and gloomy, all of us are ready for a nap and the snow would make a nap so much better! (Don't ask me why, not sure but it just sounds good)

This weather is crazy! A friend of mine is on the east coast and just moved to Va and is experiencing her first real winter as they've been in Georgia. It has snowed the last three or so days and she has no idea how to get around in it! While she is stuck...we are enjoying bipolar weather ranging from 62 one day to 27 the next!!! :)

I am so excited for tomorrow to come! It is C's last day of school and then we are off for two weeks! I am se relieved! We need a break and definitely need some time together as a family to just have fun and relax. Here's hoping we have some snow over break to play outside in! It's always so hard to do so when there's school, schedules packed.

Have a great and safe evening everyone!

Heaven's Blessings

2010-12-04T23:12:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about what is important to me in life; what I want most out of it and when people ask what I want for Christmas....what do I really want???

It's no secret that any mother that loses a child will forever think of her unborn that she was unable to hold. That is my constant wish. Sometimes I wish God would just give me a glimpse of their face, or what they are doing in their days in Heaven. I pray for it and quite frankly the last few months...I NEED it.

I was talking to my sister about this a few weeks back and she said something that really touched me. While it doesn't make all the sadness go away or the desire to hold them just once disappear, it gives me hope.

She told me that those are the blessings of Heaven. Isn't it great to think that I have children who have never known one instance of fear, pain, saddness or disapointment. They have never gotten in trouble, never sinned and had to face the consequences. They were born into the arms of God, perfect and whole; just how He designed them to be. Someday, I will be able to look upon their faces and see how beautiful God made them and know how they blessed God's design.

That makes me smile and makes the sting of pain less.

So while what I want for Christmas isn't fancy gifts or even those more simple, I atleast have the gift of hope in knowing God has a gift waiting for me when I enter the gates of Heaven. I hope and pray every night that is what God fills my dreams with. Such a wonderful way to dream! :)

My "left-over" casserole

2010-11-16T22:10:00.000-08:00

Or "I haven't posted in so long...I don't even know where to begin...so I am throwing it all in here and hoping it turns into something great"

Things are crazy...they are always crazy it seems. Soapy is still traveling and I am still teaching dance.

The studio is preparing for the Nutcracker right now. We started about the last time I posted (embarassing) and it is hard to imagine that we are three weeks away (only one more Saturday rehearsal left) before we begin our week of performances. The first week of December is always dedicated to performing for the local schools. Teachers are able to bring their classes to a local high school to watch the performance. We not only perform but help to instruct the audience in some of the steps or terms behind the scene.
The following week begins our formal public performances. We do three days, Friday-Sunday and most likely we will do two on Saturday...one as a charitable performance I believe. It is so much fun but I would be lying if I said I was not completely ready for a break with silence immediately following those first two weeks.
The rehearsals are going so well and the kids have really done a great job this year listening and practicing their parts. It should be a great show and I can't wait to see it...or from the side of the stage anyways. ;)

I have also been working two new businesses...one more than the other as the second is still in the stages of prep and learning. The first is Partylite. I became a Partylite Consultant October 12th as a way to make some extra money. We are desperately trying to pull ourselves out of debt from the immediate repairs onthe house, Braedon's debt from the beginning of the year and loans we have had for a while. I want them GONE GONE GONE! I want us to be able to breathe deeply, easily and frequently. I want to be able to send my husband on the hunting trip of his choice next season and I want to go spend some much needed time with my sister on the beach. I have been working this business like mad and thankfully it is getting up and running quite quickly. I am setting my goal to be a team leader by December 1st. This is a little intimidating as I need 5 more people to join my team but I have the financial aspect of how much it takes to qualify already taken care of.
The biggest things that drew me to this business was obviously being my own boss, the fact that I didn't have to pay one penny to start and I love candles. Until now I haven't burned much since Braedon was born. Something about his fearless attitude and fire just haven't sounded wise. Now though, Partylite offers so many amazing versatile products. There are some with and without flames. THe ones with flames do not burn hot enough to burn you...they snuff out themselves if spilled over, they don't contain lead and now there is a new line coming out made of 96% soy! The candles are non toxic so the next time Braedon decides to take a chunk out of a candle for snack...there is no need to call poison control!!!

My other business is photography. It really is a passion and a stress relief for me. Right now I do not feel qualified to charge photographer prices so I am practicing on friends and family in order to build a r eputation and a portfolio.All I am asking for is enough to cover the cd for the pictures and gas for travel. Hey, a girl has to start somewhere. :) I am hoping that by spring I will be assisting a friend of mine with her wedding photography (she asked me to join her Dec 4th but....that's Nutcracker...um, no thanks). She is a long time friend and my newest team member with Partylite. We are so excited to jump into this together!!!!

Caileigh is really starting to pick up energy wise. Unfortunately this week she is battling a cold gone sinus infection. I am trying desperately not to catch it and to keep Braedon's at simply a runny nose. We shall see how that goes. Other than health she is doing so well! She is reading chapter books and recently started bringing home 2nd Grade homework! We are so proud of her and how well she is doing in school!

Braedon is as much a handful as ever. He is constantly runnign around and tearing things apart just so you will chase him....he is going to either kill me early or keep me young. I haven't decided. His health stuff has been relatively low key the last few months. We have had some yucky GI issues the last month or so but they never become full blown episodes like they were in the spring. I am praying it stays that way.
We had an appointment for him @Children's Hospital last week but the results from labs at Mayo in MN are still out. Something about questionable results that they would like to test further. Please be in prayer over that; I am trying to not think about why they have not talked to us about it yet and assume the worst...we moms like to do that.

Braedon is talking up a storm now! He has a lot of words that are now recognizable to others outside the family. I am so relieved that he suddenly flipped that switch. We are still working on the potty training. He was so motivated to start and now...he could care less about getting a treat. He can tell us when he is wet or dirty but that's as far as he goes. He will sit sometimes but nothing happens.....

In other news we are going to TX for Thanksgiving! We are leaving early and heading down there for a bit and back before school starts. It will be great to see everyone and especially hold my little niece Elyse and see Soapy's cousins brand new little girl Abby who will be born this week! I should have a nice wide variety of little ones to practice on and no other errands or committments to attend to! Let the clicking begin!!

I believe that has me somewhat caught up. Please continue to pray for Braedon's tests. Please pray that his cold doesn't go into his lungs like it did last year. Please pray for Caileigh that her body fights this off soon; the doctors said after getting out w/Meningitis that her body could take a lot longer to rid itself of infections. Also, please pray for Soapy and me. We are praying over some ideas and decisions we have coming up and things we feel God may be calling us to. Please pray for clear answers and directions as we approach those deadlines.

Our house is going to smell great!

2010-10-11T22:59:00.000-07:00

Right now we are in the stages of potty training and sleeping in a "big boy" bed. Both are proving to be challenging and rewarding....more the first than the ladder.

Braedon is on day #3 in his big boy bed for both nap and night time. The last two weeks I have been transitioning him gradually to his toddler bed to try and make this switch as painless as possible for everyone involved. The one lesson I have already learned though, is he can unlatch the childgate in his doorway. I hate the idea of putting one up, sort of like caging him in, but he is not safe to be allowed to run the house. He will do just that, run the house. :) I awoke to him screaming...to find toothpaste all ove the bathroom floor, syrup smeared all over the kitchen and him laying right in a great big puddle of it. I either didn't have the latch on the gate pulled all the way down or he just figured it out himself. Bad morning.

I quickly cleaned everything up, gave him the first of three showers for the day and we went about our day.

Potty training is another challenging moment. He wants to do it so bad and asks to sit in there often. We go occassionally, most successfully right after breakfast but he is getting too independant. He wants to take his own diaper off, he wants to wipe his own bottom.....do you see where I am going with this?? Well, urine wound up being ALL over the bathroom floor and him, and his clothes. Thus began more household cleaning and disinfecting.

Last week I started a new business. I am now a Consultant for Partylite! This works out perfect for our family. Soapy and I both enjoy burning candles 24/7, Caileigh loves how "pretty" they are when flickering and Braedon loves to smell and of course expects everyone within a 20 foot radius to smell too. It also works out that these wonderful scents are helping to keep my house smelling toothpaste-minty fresh, like fresh served maple syrup pancackes and the most favorite...stale urine. (side note: why is it that no matter how hard you scrub a bathroom with disinfecting wash that smell cannot come out of the floor and grout?)

In the next month I am to hold 6 parties. I had my starter show this past Thursday and honestly was very disapointed. I had 8 women coming and 4 outside orders...well, 2 came and I had 1 outside order......I only had 2 orders from the party. The premise of the company is there is no startup costs for your kit and to join the company, all you are asked to do is a $350 starter show to pay for your starter kit. Easy enough...or atleast it normally should be. I am hurting for sales. I am atleast $125 short and really need to finish these orders tomorrow morning. I have been praying all weekend and today that God would send me my final orders needed to provide me with the sales required to start my business. I know that once I can get past this show, I will be great! I have my shows booked (I still need one more but I am sure it will come) and am determined to be successful.

I have to, need to be successful. Not for the fame, or the trips, or the money...well, kind of for the money. I just want to be successful so Soapy can come home. I am tired, the kids are tired, he is tired of working such long weeks away from us so much. It makes it so hard on the kids. To try and find a non traveling job is very difficult right now and the pay is way less than what we can afford to live off of. I need to be working but with Braedon, I cannot put him in daycare just yet. I need a different idea. I need this business to work, to be our answer to our prayers for our finances. When Braedon was sick we put a lot on our credit card in order to make things work. We now have debt there that we have been working so hard to erase. Trying to make this house healthy for the kids has had its costs too. I need to be able to start paying these debts off.

Please, please pray for me that God would send me the final orders needed for my show by tomorrow. I need them to come through. Please pray He would lead me to the right shows and the right people who would like to hold parties and take advantage of the wonderful gifts and sale opportunities Partylite is offering. I do have to say, some of the sales are too good to pass up! Not only are the sale prices great but hte product is unmatchable in my opinion. They are lead free, the burn clean, they are long lasting and don't burn hot enough to burn little hands. They are non-toxic which, for us, you can imagine is a wonderful thing. Braedon has already tested out this claim and it is true; the worst that will happen is his diapers may be a little loose. Not that I feed him candles, I promise there is real food in the house.....2 year olds are just so quick and so quiet sometimes!

So anyways, that is me reaching out for prayer in my "suffering" of today and giving my stress and worries over to God. Now, I am going to head to bed because like it or not, tomorrow morning is going to come early and school will not wait until I feel rested to get up and take Caileigh to school. :) Goodnight!

Growing in our Sufferings

2010-10-11T22:37:00.000-07:00

Our small group from church recently started a new book study, Be Hopeful by Warren Wiersbe. We have only gotten through the first two chapters so far but it is speaking to me in so many ways. The whole book is centered around 1 Peter and what his letters were about and why they were written. The hope is that you are able to see how God is using you during your suffering and the hope that He has you there for a purpose.....like I said, speaking to me.

The past two years have been particularly difficult on our family. I am normally one to shrug to the world and say, "It's ok, we'll make it through." or " It's just life right? I'm ok, don't worry." while inside I am crying and screaming, " I am not OK! Someone please see right through my smile and pleasantness and just take over! I am drowning and too proud to ask for help or even prayer."

Because, you know, I am a first born perfectionist....Irish and German stubbornness runs deep and the pride of asking for help admits weakness and then I have to admit to myself that I am truly, in fact, struggling. I HATE HATE HATE that! I am better at denying my struggles and smiling because if I admit to having them, then I panic and get overwhelmed and begin to fall apart. I put the cart before the horse and am doomed to failure before I start.....are you seeing a pattern?? I,......I,.....I....there are too many "I's" in this paragraph.

One thing we talked about yesterday is admitting your sufferings to yourself and to others. It is not healthy nor is it wise to deny them; especially to yourself. Denial does not allow for God's full growth in you. If you deny that you are struggling, you are not admitting that you need help beyond yourself. You are not opening yourself up to allow others to serve you, or to allow God to speak to your soul through your trials and the kindness awarded by others.

I am often at fault for this. I think, "Well, I am doing the single parent thing this week, there is no one else but me. I don't want to call for help from others (you know, the ones that offer help and really mean it) because I don't want to burden them; they are already maxed out in their own lives." And then I do the worst thing possible. Instead of turning from my friends and turning to God...the one I should go to first off, I turn back to myself and try to solve the world's problems on my own.

In the above scenario, I have just pushed God and my friends away. My friends either think I am doing just fine and then are stunned to hear that things have been a wreck; or they are turned off by knowing full well that I am struggling and too proud to ask for help. It's a mess!

Lately I have not done a good job of asking for help and crying out to my God for his help and comfort. I have instead "muddled through" the crisis, asking others to pray but not stopping to pray myself like I should. I blame severe fatigue, being overwhelmed, trying to just make it through the moments. I am ashamed of this and realized yesterday that I have not given God my sufferings.

How do I expect Him to lead me to my final lesson in all of this if I cannot give it completely over to Him to begin with? I feel like I did not learn a single thing from Braedon being in the hospital in May. I mean, I did, and I will never forget what God has done in our lives since that moment...but somehow life gets to be too much about the world and not enough about Him and you begin to forget to give Him the time he deserves. You lose sight of what you learned and swore to never take for granted (I do believe that is why God asks us not to swear....it's always a lie, we never stick to our promise).

I believe that is why God allows us to experience sufferings and trials a few times in different ways; until we get it permanently. I know I "get it", I just don't know what to do with "it" or how to allow it to change my life. I am still not sure how I am supposed to grow out of all this.

I have found myself the last 3 weeks kind of going on a backwards slope in this area. Since we closed on our house, my mom had a stroke, I got a concussion which has been and is still very difficult to heal from, Caileigh was hospitalized with Viral Meningitis, Braedon got a concussion and a puncture wound on his head, Soapy and I got food poisoning, Braedon had what I fear my have been his first real full circle GI episode since June....and now I am starting a new business venture that is not starting up in the most promising way. I am swamped with mental overload. I am overwhelmed with so many emotions and want to just sit and have a really good cry. I told my sister yesterday via facebook that I just don't know how much more my heart can take of this no beach thing. When I was stressed or overwhelmed, that's where I went; the beach. I would sit and think and pray, cry, go for a walk...it always cleared my head. I need to clear my head for a bit, gain some perspective and listen for God's direction.

I feel like there is too much noise, too much chaos here in town to hear anything. I am trying to grow through my sufferings but I feel more or less like I am passing from one to another without learning anything from the previous. Tonight I am praying for some help, some guidance, some silence so I can hear God speak and grow through my sufferings.

Today was better

2010-09-27T21:48:00.000-07:00

Today was a much better day. Caileigh struggled with a fever and nausia all night, poor thing. I let her sleep next to me so I could hear her happenings. Her fever finally broke around 5am and she slept until 1030! I think her body really needed that.

She was pretty low key until her brother woke up this afternoon and it was like she hit a whole new high! She was so hard to keep toned down and on the couch or in bed. I kept trying to remind and coax her into calming down but she has missed her brother so much and he so wanted her to play with him.

We had dinner and....you guessed it, the tummy aches came back and a slight fever too. I bathed her to cool her body down and put her to bed; which she was more than obliged to listen. Here's hoping that the bath did the trick and she sleeps peacefully through the night. I hope we are on the mend and it's only up from here. :)

In other news, I put her to bed and tried to give Braedon some quality snuggle time. He loves to rock and have me sing to him before he lays down. On the way to his room I thought he grabbed his milk cup on the table as he walked through. It was a waxed birthday candle instead. He had taken a huge chunk out of it....so to the poison control number I went and laughed about his attempt to give me a nervous breakdown. She assured me it is ok, not to worry and to just give him extra water.

There is never a dull moment in out house! So glad she is getting better, thank you everyone for your prayers. I know the extra thoughts going up has helped her to heal!

Catch up and apologies

2010-09-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

Wow, I cannot believe it has been over a month since I have posted....I am sorry. So much has been going on that I have not even had the energy.

Quick recap: in the last month my Mom has had 2 possible TIA's, we are waiting for MRI results. We bought a house on the 18th of August and have been working night and day to tear out the old carpeting (32 years old) and replace it with wood floors ourselves in order to try and make it as clean for Braedon as possible.

Two weeks ago I gave myself a serious concussion while trying to build a fence on our property. I am scheduled for an MRI this week since my dizziness and nausea has not gone away yet. My mom went from being the one cared for to caring for me since Soapy is gone. I have not felt comfortable driving until recently and even now I don't go very far.

A week ago, Braedon had a pretty good outbreak with his digestive stuff. It's the first real bad one since June. We meet with his allergist this Wednesday and we are hoping to hear about test results soon from the genetics lab at Children's.

This past Wednesday Caileigh came home complaining of a headache. That night at Awanas she burst into tears and grabbed her head with sudden pain. We went home where she soon after began vomiting and running a high fever. Twelve hours later she was complaining of a stiff neck so we headed to the doctors. They tested her visually and decided to send her home and treat for a sinus infection. Thursday night we were back at the hospital doing a spinal tap and taking blood tests. Her tests showed Meningitis! We have been at the hospital doing IV fluids and antibiotics ever since...up until last night. Saturday night the vein collapsed and we had to restart her IV. Normally this wouldn't be anything big except her veins are extremely hard to find. We worked on it from 6:30 pm until midnight with no luck. They called in the ICU nurses, NICU, flight for life EMTs and anesthesia to try. NO ONE could get it in. They decided to stop as it was not working and she was in hysterics by then. The decided to wait until this morning to make a decision.

So far there are no growths in her cultures which is GREAT! That means she most likely has a viral form of meningitis. She could have caught any virus and her body mutated it thus giving her meningitis. It is NOT the meningitis that is contagious but the virus that is. It could simply leave someone feeling yucky, tired may be a slight fever but would be gone a few days later. She was not so lucky and her doctor said he only sees maybe one or two cases a year of meningitis. He was so excellent. He was on call the night she came in and he met us at the hospital to see her for himself. He has been on call all weekend and has come to check on her several times.

After talking with him this morning and observing Caileigh, he decided to send us home....with strict rules. She is NOT to leave the house. We are NOT to let anyone new in to the house until after the cultures are finished. While he is fairly certain it is just viral, as the cultures so far are clean; it is not unheard of to see something pop up the last day of observation. We don't want to infect anyone else. Since they tried the IV again this morning and still cannot get it, the next option would be to sedate her completely. That is very invasive since so far there is no bacteria to require the antibiotics. He has decided to leave them off until something is found otherwise. Since there is nothing hooked up to her, they sent her home as they are not doing anything for her right now but watching her. We can do that from home. If anything gets worse we are to come straight back.

Right after we got home she got extremely nauseous which scared me and she was very weak but she never vomited. I have her in bed sleeping. I am praying that all it was, was over stimulation from getting out to the car and driving home and the adrenaline of excitement of being home. She has really missed her brother and he has missed her too.

I am going to go take a quick nap before either of them wakes but will post some really cute pictures of them tonight once they are back in bed and asleep. Thank you EVERYONE for your prayers and well wishes. There are so many of you that I don't even know but I am grateful for all the prayers. I told her today, "Caileigh there are so many people sending up prayers for you that I think God decided to make you well enough to go home so He can think straight!" She laughed and thought that was pretty cool, she also is in awe of how many people from all over the world are now prayer for her.

To our family and close friends, thank you for stepping up and helping with Braedon, coming to the hospital when I needed help and strength. Thank you for your prayers for Caileigh and for me.

To all of you who just happened to read about our struggles this week, thank you for caring enough to follow along and pray for her. It's so hard sometimes to be here caring for these two babies of mine when Soapy is gone. I am so lucky to have friends and parents close and a God who is AMAZING!

PRAYER REQUESTS:
1. that the cultures would remain clear and we don't have to return for more iv's
2. that Caileigh continues to mend and the rest of us don't end up sick with the virus she had
3. that Braedon stays healthy this week because Mama is T.I.R.E.D!
4.continued prayers for Braedon and that the doctors at Children's Hospital in Denver can stumble upon what God wants them to see. That He is able to provide them with the wisdom to a diagnosis and a cure for him.

Thanks so much and have a blessed weekend!

Why Can't They Just Stay Little

2010-08-16T23:45:00.000-07:00

I am still sitting here awake. I just have way too much on my mind and I am honestly dreading going to lay down. So in the mean time I have been reading blogs and watching videos posted to FB and catching up on my friends' lives.

I have a friend who just posted her son's first video at 2 weeks old! He is precious and I want to hold him and smell his baby sweetness. He is precious.

Another friend just posted on facebook that she is FINALLY in the hospital and 7cm! I am so excited for them as they prepare to welcome into this world their third child and second daughter. I can't wait to go meet her and find out what her name will be. ;)

I also found a sister mom who lost a child recently to still birth. It breaks my heart that any parent should have to lose their child. I have been having such a hard hard time with this lately. I miss my four children so bad. I have been overwhelmed with emotions this past week of missing them so badly it gives me pains in my chest and makes my body ache for the children I can no longer hold, laugh with, play with, learn with....it just sucks. I desperately want to have more children but I don't see how I will ever get to be pregnant again. That hurts and I pray every day and spend time in God's word trying to find peace and acceptance and happiness for the ability to move on to the next step in life and close the door on infant childhood in our house.

It is SO SO hard. I don't want it to be over. I want to wake up several times a night. Have spit up and streaming diapers flying out at me. I want to snuggle the innocent sweetness of a newborn child that only God has entrusted to me.

I wish in the same token that my two children now would slow down just a bit. Braedon moves at such speed 24/7! He never slows down. I miss the time when he would snuggle up because he wasn't feeling good at all (though I don't miss the reason behind the snuggles) or when he was so tiny that I was all he needed.

I miss my Caileigh monkey thinking I was just amazing and wanting to play and spend time with me without the arguing. We are at the stage of testing our limits, discovering what she can decide to do and what she is required to do as a member of this family.

Then there are moments. Moments that take my breath away for how small they are and how I wish I could just freeze time for a bit to enjoy it. It goes by too fast. I need it to slow down because I won't be able to get it back again. Yesterday after church, we were talking about the service (it was on adoption), she asked if we could adopt a girl so she could have a baby sister to play dolls with. She said, "Mom, I think you should adopt a little girl. You would make an great mom to a little girl. You have one already and have done a really great job." It melted my heart. I want so much to be able to give her a little sister. Someone she can play dolls and dressup with. That can go shopping with her and watch girly movies with. A sister, like mine, who can get ready for the school dances with her. SHe would have made and EXCELLENT big sister to a little sister. Don't get me wrong, she makes an excellent sister to a little brother too. They absolutely adore each other. Braedon misser her so much when she is gone or simply just not in sight.

I love my children. I wish they could slow down for just a bit so I can hold on to these days for just a little bit longer. I never want to forget a moment of them.

Happy Wednesday!

2010-08-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

So the title isn't much but I am not running on creativity today. :)

Yesterday was a very long long day. We were at Children's Hospital in Denver by 9:30. We got right in to the doctor on the metabolics floor. Braedon has gained weight!! So that was wonderful news! We began the forever-long process of the family history, his history, his current state, our concerns....etc, etc, etc.

The doctor came in at 11 and observed him for an hour or more. He watched him run, talk, play with a ball, walk, retrieve things and how he reacted to being picked up and stretched. After the exam he rattled off about 6 codes to the other doctor of things to test for. One I know was a cholesterol test. He is concerned with whether Braedon's cholesterol is high enough. He said, most people think of it as a bad thing but it's even worse to not have enough of it.

The doctor was also concerned with Braedon's muscle strength. He runs like a 13 month old, not a 20month old. His hips extend too far (mine do too but I attributed that to dance and my joints have always hyperextended) and the muscle that runs under his armpit down his side does not flex as you pick him up. Rather, he goes somewhat limp and slides down through your arms. You have to have a tight grip on him when you pick him up. I always thought it was him being silly or throwing a fit but the doctor said he can feel that the muscles don't retract at all there. So they are doing some testing for that.

The other big thing they touched on briefly was autism. While his social skills are wonderful and he is totally outgoing, there are some behavioral patterns that concerned the doctor (and others before him) to watch him closely over the next 6 months to see how he develops. His speech is not as good as it should be, his GI problems can go hand in hand with autism, so can seizures. While he hasn't been ruled to have seizures yet, he has had episodes of staring off and not responding to sounds, objects, voices calling him. The doctor said if he is, it will most likely be on the lighter side.

Some of the other concerns are his mood swings and how quickly they change and explode over nothing. They want to monitor those as well to see if it is a personality trait (yay for me!) or something more.

I did ask before we left to draw labs, if there was a chance these health conditions could have been caused in utero. I have frequently worried and blamed myself for his health problems. I had a stomach infection when I got pregnant and before I knew I was carrying this beautiful baby boy I began the medication packs to clean it all up. The meds were not safe meds for pregnancy. Then you add on the blood thinner injections and the reflux medication and I have beat myself up over what I could have done to him before he was ever born. It is a horrible feeling. The doctor assured me that there was nothing I could have done to create these problems, they are genetic...whatever he is dealing with. I need not worry about how I damaged my child's health and future and well being before he even had a chance to breathe his first breath.

That gives me a sense of peace (a small one but I will take it). After four miscarriages, you begin to wonder what you hae done wrong and the next time vow to be perfect. You strive in every fasion to be perfect, eat perfectly, sleep/drink/exercise perfectly. Nothing is out of place and at the frist sign of something wrong you rush straight to the doctor because the thought of losing another precious child is more than you can bare. That was/is me. I stay awake...like tonight, wondering what "we" are missing in his diagnosis. I am praying, pleading with God to heal him and I believe He will and is doing it right now in front of me.

Please pray with me, my husband and my family that God would allow these tests to come back clean, that the IGE that was way high would come back normal and the doctors would scratch their heads and chalk him up to a medical mystery. Thank you thus far for all the prayers, advice and well wishes. We appreciate them so much!

A day of Rest

2010-08-01T19:01:00.000-07:00

Today at church the pastor spoke about rest. How it is a gift that has been given to us from God and we should not feel bad using it because really, He commanded us to. I have thought about this a lot today. I am so quick to say, "I can't right now, I have too much to do. When I am done we can do ....." or "I don't have time to relax, there is too much to do. I can relax when I am done...which will probably be when I am dead".

God wants us to STOP doing our "TO-DO" list and rest. To meditate, take in His wonderous creation, enjoy the children and family He has given. Today, I did that. I needed to pack up our things but I didn't. I needed to work on a benefit and block part but I didn't. I needed to finish the cleaning and laundry that I didn't finish yesterday...but I didn't. It was a slow, relaxing day; and I loved it!

The pastor also said, "Our life is not determined by our work. Our self worth is not determined by our work. Our success is not determined by our work." Nothing is determined by where we work, how much we make, how far we have excelled on the corporate ladder. It doesn't matter. That is not what God created us for. When you face struggles in life, they do not define who you are or your success/failure in life. When you experience unemployment, take the time to see what God has planned for your life; what you are destined for. Those things are important. He will provide the job and the money and the right amount of success.

I loved this sermon. It was so inspiring and talked to my heart so deeply. I am going to try and make my resolution for the rest of this year to focus on what God has for me and be proud of my accomplishments that He has ordained. It is ok for me to put motherhood first and to enjoy it. It is ok for me to want to strive to be a Godly wife. This doesn't mean that I may win the mother of the year or stepford wife award each day but that is ok. As long as I strive for my best, cherish every moment as though it were my last and rest when He gives that time to me, then I am fulfilling His plan for my life at that moment.

This has spoken to my heart and I hope that some part of it has spoken to yours. May you have a blessed week and have moments to cherish.

A "Good Mom" Day

2010-07-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

Today has been a very nice, pretty uneventful day. Braedon went to the bathroom twice in the toilet!!! I was so proud of him, his sister and I did a dance in the bathroom! Followed by a sticker for trying and a smarties for actually going!!

We took Caileigh to swim lessons and I watched her stick her face in the water and float on her stomach! Anyone who knows our daughter knows this is about as big as Hell freezing over. LOL...we are not fans of water on our face. Putting her in swim lessons was the best thing we have done all summer!

I had my second interview today for Ballet Emmanuel. I am nervous but I know I did my best so the rest is in God's hands. It is intimidating to think of going back to work after not working for someone else for nearly 6 years. Sure I teach dance but....this requires me to bring in bookings for tours...their means of making money and spreading their message. The best part is, it is part time and works from home for the most part. It can't get better than that!

I am reading an amazing book that I picked up from the bookstore at church last week. It is titled, " Am I Messing Up My Kids...and Other Questions Ever Mom Asks?" I am on chapter 4 and it is hard to put it down. It is set up as a few page chapter with a reflection section at the end of each chapter. It ties in scripture and helps you to work through some of the major mental struggles we as "super moms" have.
Here is the link on Amazon.com to Lysa's book. She is a mom of 5, her children are grown or at least some are in college and the baby is still younger. I have been struggling with our oldest and establishing a God inspired mother/daughter relationship without compromising my duties to instruct and discipline according to His teachings. I admit, I get these messed up all too often and have been frustrated as of late trying to fix them "on my own". This book is set to help you "...release your stress and become refilled and refreshed...". I recommend this book to every mom, whether you are cradling your first born or putting your sixth child through their senior year of high school. I think it is a valuable tool to any mom no matter their stage of motherhood.

Well, I am headed to bed. I am going to try and put some of the principles I am learning in Lysa's book to good use tomorrow and enjoy a blessed day with my two children, making memories we will treasure for a lifetime. May you all enjoy and treasure those you love and tell them often how much you love them! Goodnight! :)

Prayers For Hailey

2010-07-25T23:16:00.000-07:00

A dear friend of mine, Robin , could use every prayer out there for her daughter, Hailey. This is Hailey:

I met Robin through MckMama's blog sometime at the end of last year. Hailey was in the hospital with her 6th round of Encephalopathy. Things were not good, Robin was scared and she reached out for prayer support. I contacted Robin through Facebook and we began talking. I began praying for her and Hailey and her husband Jeremy. They also have an adorable little boy, JJ.

Robin and I have been there over the past 7 months for each other. Talked, been mad, laughed at some of the silly things our husbands do sometimes. We have met when our kids have been in the hospital and made lunch dates in between. It has been great meeting and making a great friend.

Hailey is back in the hospital as of yesterday. This is her 8th episode and this particular round has been much worse. The doctors over the last several years have tried several tests, labs, drug mixes to help but nothing has worked. Currently, they are in the PICU and talk has been made today of sending Hailey to Boston Children's soon to run better, more detailed tests.

This particular round has been so hard on Robin and Jeremy. They are tired of watching their daughter battle through this. They are worn down physically, emotionally, mentally and especially financially. A few weeks ago Robin told me their insurance company had dropped Hailey and no longer would be covering any of her medical expenses. Her medications alone are nearly $4000 a month, not to mention the doctors visits, which are many and typically several a week and the hospital stays.

They are so tired of being separated and scared not knowing what is causing these episodes or how to correct them. There isn't a doctor yet that seems to have a good idea or willingness to come to a conclusion. They need help NOW!

Please be in fervent prayer for them. Please pray for the doctors, that they may come to an epiphany as to what is wrong. Please give the doctors wisdom and grace as they research and listen to Robin's concerns. Please pray for Hailey, that her little body would stay strong through these episodes. They are very violent and tough on her and many times can necessitate a crash cart being close by. Please pray for Robin and Jeremy as they try to stay strong in each other and parent two children who are not allowed to be together during these times. Please pray for their spirits, that God would life them up and comfort them; bring them peace. Please pray for their financial stresses as they are many and overwhelming. Please just pray.

We met this past Friday for lunch while I was at Children's Hospital with my son. Hailey was so happy and smiling through the entire lunch. It is hard to see these pictures (they were taken during lunch) and know that less than 24 hours later she was rushed to the ER. It breaks my heart to see this and hear the pain in Robin's words; any mother can relate.

The dance studio I work with has decided to organize a dance benefit for the Visbal family. We are still ironing out dates but it looks to be the end of August or first week in September. We would love all the local Colorado support that we can get. If you are not local and would like to give to the family, please send me an email at cmartin2773@gmail.com and I can give you more information and arrange a donation site if I see interest. We are trying to raise as much money as we can to give them, to help alleviate the heavy financial burden they have on their shoulders. Since Hailey's episodes are so unpredictable and can last several weeks, Robin is unable to work. She has created an Etsy store called Hailey Bug Creations to try and bring in any money she can from home. Jeremy works full time and bears the brunt of their burden. Please consider stopping by and browsing her store. I have purchased many things from her and they are always adorable and very reasonably priced. Like this headband Caileigh LOVES to wear:

I also am an Independent Mary Kay Consultant. I am committed to giving back part of my sales to Robin and Jeremy. If you would like to help that way, please visit my website, www.marykay.com/cmartin2773 and help yourself to wonderful products for your body and valuable tips and learning materials. I will give 20% of my sales to Robin and Jeremy as my own way of helping.

If giving is not something you can do right now, please pray, send her a message, leave her a comment that shows support. When your child is laying in a hospital bed, machines going off and doctors scratching their heads, it brings on the worst thoughts and extreme panic a mother could ever feel. I have been there and thank God that He is healing my son. I pray the same for Robin and Hailey.

Please check back often and I will continue to post updates on Hailey's condition as well as more information on the dance benefit as it comes available. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts in advance. This family deserves a break and miraculous healing. Their daughter is too precious to be suffering like this.

Thanks and God Bless you and your family.

Stream of Consciousness

2010-07-24T03:19:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep. I have been trying for the better part of 4.5 hours. I have a pinched nerve or something in my back that is making it extremely difficult to breathe; this has been happening for about 3 days now. I layed in bed for a while and decided it wasn't getting me anywhere so I got up to work. :)

I have cleaned out unwanted pictures from my files. Played around with Lightroom; I downloaded a free trial and it is wonderful! I am going to be spoiled now....wonder if that could count as a Christmas in July gift??

I read up on some new products and press releases for Mary Kay and may I say, they have some really cool new products! I found an article on their Facebook fan page that talks about the new Oil-Free Eye Makeup Remover and how it is economical and sensitive for your skin!

Mary Kay is also committed to building a Habitat for Humanity house in Dallas, TX this July during the annual Mary Kay Seminar (this is an annual convention at the beginning of the Mary Kay year for all sales force). From what I have read, consultants from each division are helping to build this house while in Dallas for training. That is absolutely AMAZING!!!!! What a wonderful idea and way to give back to the community!

I have also read on Mary Kay's Charitable Foundation fan page that a group of Mary Kay sales force went to Washington, D.C. in June to stand before Congress and address the issue of domestic violence and petition for Family Violence and Prevention Services Act. I love how Mary Kay, as a company, is standing behind valuable causes for our country and is taking an active approach to stomping out things like domestic violence and cancer!

I am so pumped and excited!! If you would like to learn more, please visit their Facebook fan page or check out my website at www.marykay.com/cmartin2773 . There are links on my webpage to all sorts of wonderful information and exciting happenings for the company and the community it services!

Ok, I am not tired. Quite the opposite actually. But it is 4:16am and I have to go teach a whole room of preschool children how to dance like a ballerina in 5 hours....coffee yes?? Hope this post was as informational for you as it was for me. Have a great weekend and tell someone how much they mean to you!! God Bless!

Free and Clear!

2010-07-23T22:17:00.000-07:00

That is what the GI doctors gave us as a diagnosis today. They were more than pleased with Braedon's development and weight gain (he went from the 33rd% to the 50th% in 6 weeks) and his tummy sounds were great!

They were overjoyed with how well he has done the last month since he has been clear of episodes throughout that time frame.

Our protocol now is to try taking out his morning dose of the medication helping his digestion and see how his body responds to that. She agrees the evening dose for now is still wise until we see how he does and then maybe go to every other night if he tolerates the first decrease well.

We went over lab results and everything looked good except his IgE levels. There were very off. This is an immunoglobulin that deals with allergies. It can be a result of a parasitic infection (he has more than been tested for these and everything has been clear) or allergy issues. We have an appointment scheduled with his allergist at National Jewish mid September (that was their earliest :( so we will have to be patient) to do more testing. The most popular I guess are feline, dust mites, mold and pollen. So I guess that is where we will start. These antibodies can be hyper-active if he has been in contact with his allergies. So we will see what they say and possibly try adding soy and/or dairy back into his diet.

I did ask what would be next if the weaning of meds doesn't work. She said they aren't sure. There are clinics around the country that test the digestive issues, they don't do these certain test. They are in Columbus, Ohio and Milwaukee, WI. She said even if they were to give a diagnosis, they would treat it the same way and there isn't a cure/fix to the problem. He would be this way for life...yay! =/ She said there is the possibility of using Botox to inject into the sphincter (sp??) between the stomach and small intestine to keep it open so food can be passed through. Please be in prayer about this. They have someone who can do this but it doesn't sound very fun or easy to me....

Heading to bed now, thankful beyond measure that the labs came back mostly normal and the doctors were pleased with how Braedon looked and acted while we were there. Praising God for one step at a time!

Prayers and Thanksgiving

2010-07-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

It has been nearly a month since I have posted here. I feel horrible. It isn't that I have been away from my computer or haven't had time to log on to Blogger....I have had time, I did log on. I would get ready to post and was just without energy.

My lack of energy has not been due to Braedon being sick and thus not getting any sleep. Instead it has been because Braedon is doing so incredibly well that we have been going NON-STOP. He has not had one single episode since June 9th! We are giving him medications for digestion and respiratory functions but other than that, he is free and clear. He has decided, based on his new found freedom from being sick, to bless us with a wake up call every morning between 6-715 am....I am not a morning person so this is really not acceptable to me but what do ya do??? He goes fast forward, almost as if he is making up for all the lost time of being sick. His vocabulary has suddenly taken off; we hear nearly 2 or 3 new words every day and he doesn't forget them! He is happy, running, playing and developing his own personality. It is wonderful to see but also very exhausting!

We have spent some much needed family time and gone for day hikes or overnight camping trips in the mountains. We are in swim lessons with both of the kids and having a great summer together.

We are also buying a house! It has been made clear that for now, God's plan is not for us to pick up and move to the East coast. As much as this pains me and is truly not what I want....it doesn't really matter because it is not what HE wants. Through all of our trials and struggles with Braedon I have come to learn to accept God's plan and will much more than I used to. We are not going to be far from my parents and the kids will have their own room....who am I kidding, I get me own room too!! That is a big thing when you have shared your room with the laundry room, bathroom, and nursery for nearly 3 years. We are so blessed with the house God is providing us and can't wait to make a new start for our family.

This Thursday I am taking Braedon to Denver Childrens' to talk with his GI doctors on the next step. He has been doing well and thriving so that is a plus. All the tests they have done are coming back normal or negative which is also a huge plus (they have been testing some very scary, terminal things). It still remains to be seen if the meds are making him feel better or if God has miraculously healed Braedon. I half expect them to try weaning him off the meds to see what happens. I am nervous about this but know that God will protect my son.

Both Soapy and I have job interviews this week. His would bring him home permanently and mine would be a great Christian company that will allow me to work from home. Please be in prayer that if these are being sent from God that the doors will fling wide open.

I am also considering a mission trip to Alaska this October. I have received information about the trip today and am going to be in prayer and meditation to see if it is where God wants me to go. It will be delivering VBS (Vacation Bible School) to a community of missionaries' children. This retreat is once a year and is highly anticipated by all serving in Alaska. Because of this, there is a great amount of spiritual warfare going on that week. I am praying and deliberating on whether it is where God wants me to serve and if He thinks I am spiritually strong enough for this trip right now, in my walk with Him.

Happy Monday and have a wonderful, blessed week!

Not Me Monday!--almost too late :)

2010-06-28T22:18:00.000-07:00

We have been going and going today. We started Caileigh's swimming lessons and I taught dance, cleaned in between and played outside! It's been so busy!! But I thought I would put a few things together for MckMama's Not Me Monday. The idea is you get to confess whatever embarassing, frustrating or just dim whitted things you have done over the last week and get it off your chest! This week she is giving away a special prize! Head on over and check it out and hop in soon!

So this past week I did not take my children to the doctors for what was supposed to be a simple appointment for Caileigh only to find out she's allergic to the sun and Braedon has a double ear infection. While at said appointment, I definitely did not get thrown up on by Braedon and then wipe out the inside of my bra and clothes with baby wipes just to make it home. I did not treat this as though it was a normal occurance because my son never throws up on a regular basis all over me. I did not tell the nurses that it was ok, I have one of those wonderful plastic puke buckets in my car complete with towels if needed on the way home.

I did not wake up one morning to find Braedon outside running around pantsless in the backyard. I always make sure he is safe and secured in his crib and would never sleep through him crawling out and walking out of our room to go play by himself.

I would never crawl through the front window after locking my keys in the house. I always make sure they are in my pocket before closing the door.

I most certainly did not look at Braedon the other day and ask him to please take the waterfall rocks out of his mouth and tell him "Son, please put those back. I told you yesterday these are not for eating,they are for watching". Apparentl watching rocks in water is not fun for a 19 month old!

Happy Not Me Monday!!

Quick Post with GREAT news!!!

2010-06-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

I can't stay long, Caileigh starts swimming lessons today! Just wanted to leave a quick note letting everyone know that we got test results for Braedon back.

He does NOT NOT, let me repeat, NOOOOT have Cystic Fibrosis or the Mitocondria Disorder!!!!! PRAISE GOD! I am so relieved these tests were normal and we don't have to worry about them anymore. We still don't know what he has or any ideas of what to do next. We will meet with his team of doctors on July 23, unless a cancellation comes up before then.

The last two weeks he has been so much better than the last few months! Braedon went to the doctor Friday for a fever, found out it's a double ear infection but we found out he is 26.1 pounds! He has gained all the weight back plus a pound since May 7th. That is amazing and exciting! We are so thankful and amazed that God is allowing him to feel better, have more energy and being able to live like a normal 18 month old.

We are praying for ultimate healing and that God will show us what His will is and direction through all of it. We are praying that somewhere along the way a test can be done to determine why he has this problem and how to fix it. We are looking forward to not having to worry about when he will have another episode.

Well, I have run! Wish us luck!! Caileigh is not a fan of putting her face in water so today may be a bit interesting to say the least. :)

Great Day!

2010-06-22T22:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever sat at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed and asleep and thought, "I can do this! I may finally be getting the hang of this parenting thing!"...well that is where I am right now. I am too excited to go to bed so I am blogging. :)

Braedon has been doing much better the last 10 days or so. We have gone without a major episode. He has had some GI cramping I think (pain and swollen abdomen, fussiness) but know violent vomiting or mini seizure-like episodes for almost 2 weeks! I am so excited!!! It's been nice to be able to have a somewhat normal life! We are still waiting for test results for the cystic fibrosis and the genetic tests. They said 4 weeks on the CF so that puts us at 2 weeks out. The others should start trickling in any day now. I am going to put calls into the labs to see if anything has come back yet and to make sure the results are being sent to the right doctors.

Today Caileigh, Braedon and I headed to my old high school parking lot to practice riding bikes. Caileigh is to say petrified of riding her bike would be an understatement. She loves the idea and really wants to ride but she is a very cautious child. I decided since Braedon is doing so well this past week GI related, I have the time, energy and attention span to help her. The school lot is flat (which is impressive in Colorado) and it's warm (which is also impressive for CO as most of the year the bike has sat in the garage due to cold, snow and hills).

She was nervous at first but after a few minutes was pumping up and down the parking lot. We had a few problems with the training wheels turning and stuff so we ended our practice time early. She was a champ though! She would get off and fix it and hop right back on and take off (if you know my daughter, you know this is totally out of character for her and she would rather watch grass grow than to try something that intimidates her).

Our goal for the summer???......GET THE TRAINING WHEELS OFF!!!! Caileigh is a very tall almost 6 year old. With that comes a heavier than average almost 6 year old. Part of the complications I would imagine come from her weight exceeding the maximum capacity for the training wheels. Our goal is to have her riding without them be end of summer.

The best part though, aside from seeing her smile, trusting me and having fun, was her coming home and while in the bathtub, said, "Mom, I had a really great day today. Thanks for helping me, it sure was fun!" For those of you who know my daughter you know what a step that was. For those of you who don't, she does not trust anyone for any reason. She wants to and it breaks her heart that she doesn't. She is very cautious and has always had a somewhat panic-type personality about trying new things (unless she is away from us and with friends and then she seems to branch out a bit). I was SO proud of her today!

I took some video and pictures of her so I will post them tomorrow. I need to get some sleep so I can function, I promised to take them to the Cheyenne Mtn Zoo in the morning. Should be loads of fun, you can feed the giraffes right from your hand.

Also, thank you to any of you that have been praying for us. I definitely feel the peace lately. I am working hard on my time with God and letting Him take control of our lives and the outcome for Braedon. It is not easy to let go of your child and acknowledge you can't control their fate but I am getting better. Also, two weeks ago Soapy was able to catch a bid on another crew for work. They are in the same place as his old crew and he is doing the same job but this foreman is infinitely times better than the last. Soapy has more enjoyed (as much as possible) going to work than regretted having to spend time with these groups of guys. I am so thankful for that answer to prayer while we search for a local position of some sort.

Encouraged

2010-06-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am so excited and encouraged and wanted to share with y'all what is happening that is making me that way.

In the last three weeks I have been noticing some changes in Braedon. His GI stuff is still occurring but on a much less frequent cycle and I believe that to be a little bit from the medications they have him on for digestion and a lot from prayer from so many people! His energy has picked up and he is active from dawn to dusk! As a parent of a chronically sick child, I much prefer the go-go activity to the listlessness that was his daily life this time last month. I can't believe how far he has come in a mere 4 weeks!

Other things I have noticed changing in our youngest is his balance and mental advances. He is much more sure footed lately and is picking up speed chasing his sister around the house. He has also added a large (for him and all things considered) list of vocabulary and sounds to his repertoire. He can now make the sounds of most zoo and farm animals (before he went into the hospital the beginning of May he could bark and meow and that was it!), he can say "ish, Nana, papa, started saying Dada again, drink, cereal, juice, Elmo". Before the beginning of May he said, "mama, da (dog), ba (ball), ou (out)". I can't believe how his vocabulary has just taken off!! I am wondering if his body was just deprived of so many nutrients since he wasn't digesting anything and was lacking what he needed for his brain to function. It's is so great to see the excitement on his face when he uses a new word and we make such a big deal out of it. He is noticeably less frustrated in his communication than he was a month ago.

Three days ago, he started really pulling on his diaper and getting upset when he was wet or dirty. Once, Caileigh came running to tell us he took off his shorts and diaper because it was wet. We brought out Caileigh's old training potty. He has gone in a few times each day just to sit on it, especially if I go in to go to the bathroom. Yesterday, by chance, he actually was sitting there when he went! He was so excited. So we now have Smarties as treats for going to the bathroom. :) I am hesitant to start potty training with his current issues but if he's ready, why not start? So wish us luck and anybody out there with training advice for a Mommy with her first boy......I will take all I can get!

More Tests today!

2010-06-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

We went to the Childrens Hospital (it's actually a wing of a main hospital here in the Springs but is partnered with Denver Childrens) today for more bloodwork. We sent Caileigh to VBS with my Mom (who volunteered so we could get a discount for registration, THANK YOU MOM), Soapy and I headed to the hospital with Braedon.

Do any of you have those mornings where your child(ren) are just being exceptionally happy and good? You wonder when is it going to unravel and pray that it never ends?? Well, that was our day today. Braedon was all smiles and giggles all morning. He waved at everyone as we walked to the outpatient lab and was so pleasant and well mannered. I hated to take him in so they could stick him, I knew it was going to make his mood turn south.

Well, it took three of us to hold him down but they were able to get it in the first few seconds and soon after that the blood draw was over! I was surprised by the small amount they drew but she assured me it was enough for the tests so we said our thank yous and goodbyes and headed out the door. Braedon was understandably upset....that was until we saw a therapy dog on our way out and he got to pet the dog and then ride the rest of the way out in a wagon (he loves the wagons). The boys dropped me off to teach dance and then picked me up, upon arrival Braedon was asleep.

We got home and I noticed we had a message on the home phone so I played it. "Mrs Martin, this is D from the Outpatient Lab. I need to talk to you right away. Please call me immediately." --Not the kind of message I was hoping for but I called her back: "It seems when we printed the faxed lab orders from Denver that only 3 of 10 pages printed. We need you to come back as soon as possible so we can draw the rest and get it sent with the draw from this morning."

Not what I wanted to hear. By this time, Soapy was packing for work, my mom and Caileigh had just gotten home and we were preparing to go get lunch so that later today we could play in the kiddie pool I had set up this morning. Instead we had lunch, said our goodbyes to Daddy and headed for the hospital...again. Braedon was still in such a wonderful mood, I was dreading this second trip.

Sure enough, we needed 6 more tubes of blood and I had the priviledge of holding him myself. :( Not a happy Mama. We left with handfuls of stickers as the nurses felt so bad and then felt worse once Braedon waved bye and blew them kisses (that mandated atleast 5 more stickers). His mood however had turned and not in a good way. He never recovered and to say I was glad to put him in his crib is an extreme understatement.

All in all, they tested for Cystic Fibrosis (this time as a blood draw so it will take 4 weeks for results, the sweat test is within 24 hrs but I had no desire to do that again and have it not work a second time), several immunoglobulin disorders and a few more autoimmune disorders as well. We still don't have results back on all the genetic tests yet but I don't really expect anything for another 4 weeks atleast. It is a long process but a necessary process none the less.

Please continue to be in prayer for these tests and the ones we are waiting for already. We have his 24 hr EEG scheduled for the end of July unless they have a cancellation. This past week he has been doing much better GI wise and I can't recall a starring episode this past week but his sleep has been very restless and at times the GI stuff looks as though we may be heading into another episode but so far so good. We are so thankful for that.

Thank you everyone who is reading this and praying for our son and our entire family. We so appreciate all the prayers, tips and words of encouragement that we are getting. It helps get me through some of the time when Soapy is away. Eventhough my parents are here all the time, it is hard as the parents to be apart when your child needs both of you there.

Much deserved, and belated pictures

2010-06-02T23:36:00.000-07:00

Here are some very belated pictures from a photo session with had with Jennifer McKinney when she and Israel came to Colorado Springs for Focus On The Family's Focus on Marriage conference in February. I was so excited to be able to get these pictures done, even if I did have to sacrifice both anniversary and birthday dates to get them! It was worth it, there were so many pictures and they were all so good. We made some good friends in the process and have memories to treasure forever.

ENJOY!

This was one of our family pictures on the steps of the castle. Caileigh was so upset we were taking her to a castle for pictures and not letting her wear a dress. She was so worried she would run into a real princess and not be properly dressed....yes a girly girl and she's all mine!

I love this one just because I'm the Mama and if I had it my way I would love to keep him like this for a while. He is such a sweet, precious little boy who loves his Mama very much. Don't be fooled though, sweet/precious do NOT exclude him from being a handful/over active and ALL boy!

I love this one of Caileigh blowing snow. We had so much fun with this picture. It wasn't that cold, it was in the 40's but had snowed the night before. She picked up a handful and started blowing it all over.

We had just gotten to the Castle, Braedon had just woken up and I took the oxygen sticky tabs off his face (FYI, don't just pull them off, it takes off skin thus leaving you with sores on their face and a very upset little boy)

I loved this one, Caileigh played peek-a-boo with Jennifer and they turned out great.

What can I say? I just love his eyes and he can be so sensitive when he wants to be.

Well, that is it for now. I will post more later but I am going to bed. I was able to put Braedon back to bed in between posts and I am going to hit the bed before he wakes up again! Good night everyone and God Bless!

Stream of Consciousness

2010-06-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

I feel horrible for not updating sooner. We have had a very busy three weeks. After getting Braedon out of the hospital, my sister came out to visit for a week to help out. She left and the next week my mother in law, sister in law and brother in law came to visit for a week. This past week my uncle came out to visit. We have been blessed with the ability to spend so much time with family lately and the wonderful help that they bring.

The medicinal cocktail they have Braedon on seems to be helping a bit. They have put him on probiotics and zinc to help with his appetite and some of the stomach discomfort. He is on some respiratory medicines to help the asthma and nasal secretions. He is on some antibiotics that, in this weaker concentration, are used to promote digestion. All of these, while expensive, are actually helping. Instead of the daily vomit and diarrhea routine we were experiencing, it is much more tame. We have two really bad days a week where he just suddenly starts throwing up and will every 20 minutes for about 5 hours, during that time the bowls get worse and they persist for about 48 hours. He gets very week and just sleeps in my arms until his body starts to heal and he wakes up with more pep. He has gained back about a pound and a half since the 11th of May. We are grateful for that, he is nearly at the same weight he was last June and even though he has always been a good six months ahead in his clothes size, he is now sporting 12-18 month clothing (he actually fits 9mos shorts best around the waist, 12 months are now even too big). We bought him 12 mos clothes last June for our vacation to Charleston. I am trying to not freak out about that and be patient and let the medicines help to encourage him to eat.

I am rejoicing in the fact that my husband met with his VA counselor today. She helped him with his resume and said she believed she could help him find a new job that would offer great benefits fairly soon and easily. I am praying for this; I need him home, our kids need him home.

Braedon has also added some new vocabulary this week and I am praying it sticks this time. He has a habit of adding new words or sounds and then loses them just as quickly. He can now ribbit like a frog, he started saying "DADA" which he hasn't said since he was about 7 months old. He still barks and meows and I think he tried to say "sissy" and crow like a rooster today. If I can remember I will try and record him imitating a frog and post it soon.

Tomorrow we leave for Denver again for more blood work. The sweat test they did last week didn't collect enough sweat for the test. If anyone is ever faced with having to do this for your child, save yourself the trouble and torture of your child afraid and screaming, just get the blood test; they will do it anyways if you have a positive sweat test. We are going to do the blood test for Cystic Fibrosis tomorrow and a whole gamut of tests for antibody allergies that would coincide with the autoimmune disorders they are testing for. I don't know how long those take to get back, I am hoping not long.

Caileigh is out of school now, has been for almost two weeks. She is getting bored already, not that she has told me or that the action packed adventures our family members have taken her on hasn't been enough but I can tell she isn't being mentally stimulated anymore. Time to break out the crafts and workbooks I bought just for the summer!

We are having a garage sale this weekend to get rid of things we don't need or can live without for now. We are taking all the money and paying off some debt. Braedon's health stuff is starting to get up there in $$ and I am concerned it may get worse before it gets better. We are talking of relocating to a few different locations as we figure out what Braedon's problems are. We don't want to have debt to hang over us along with the financial burden of a sick child. A friend of my husband, his wife does medical billing from home; I am looking into it. It may be an option for now until I can have the time to pursue photography or Mary Kay. Neither is working for me right now, I just can't plan on being anywhere when I am not sure Braedon will be well.

Please pray for us that God shows us where He wants us to be and what He wants us to be doing. Please pray God provides us with conclusive test results so we can begin to move forward. Please pray I can get some sleep tonight; Braedon has already been up twice crying in pain and I have typed most of this while holding him asleep in my arms at one point or another.

*****Thank you to everyone praying for us and for loving on my son from a distance. It means so much to me to know there are other prayer "warriors" out there petitioning on his behalf while I hold him.*****

We Keep Going

2010-05-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

I took Braedon back to Children's Hospital today to meet with the GI team. They came in and evaluated him, took a diaper sample from this morning and left the room for nearly 45 minutes. When they came back, they sat down, looked at me and said, "We have no idea what is wrong with your son." What horribly frustrating words to hear but comforting at the same time. I was so happy that they weren't trying to lie to me and comfortable telling me the truth. It was so frustrating that there still, is no idea.

What do we know?

Well, we know that he is still having blood in his diapers. The stool samples taken in the hospital came back clear for bacterial growth and infection. We know that his weight right now puts him in the 35% for his age where as in February he was in the 68% and at birth was 98%. That is not good. We know that something is wrong and thankfully the GI doctors still have some ideas up their sleeves while we are waiting for the mitocondrial tests to come back.

I expressed my concerns over the fact that no one knows anything and he is 18 months next week. I expressed that I have started doing research on my own in an effort to advocate and help search possible conditions. Instead of being brushed off, Dr S sat down, stopped what he was doing and asked me what I thought it could be.

I told him I was concerned about the autoimmune disorders since we know some are on both sides of the family. They have only tested one and there are atleast 5 or 6 more that I researched. He agreed and had that on his list. We both suggested Cystic Fibrosis, I have thought about that for a while and he actually brought it up so we are doing a sweat test next Thursday.

He said there are a few other things he would like to consider but would like to get the sweat test done and some more allergy tests done that he said were not normal allergies (I am wondering if it has to do with antibodies we carry and how some people actually have an allergy to them; it is part of the auto immune diseases).

So, we don't know any more and no less. They have put him on zinc, probiotics and more erythromicin to see if we can boost his weight again and the antibiotic to help wtih the digestion problems. He has been getting worse again the last two days and I have wonder/fear what tomorrow may bring just by the way his diapers have looked today. We will see, I am praying everything is fine and he remains comfortable. He has not been sleeping much at all and that has us both tired and moody.

I hope this helps, I am trying to keep everyone updated as soon as I can. I have been a little overwhelmed keeping up with him and Caileigh's last week of kindergarten that the house has suffered and so has my correspondence in how Braedon is doing. If anyone has any questions or hasn't heard from me, please give me a call or email me with your questions.

Tomorrow I have some absolutely beautiful pictures to post of our kiddos. A friend of ours took them back in February and it took a bit to get them due to prior commitments (which was no problem at all) so I am just now getting around to uploading them. Check back tomorrow for some very beautiful and colorful pictures of our babies. :)

Good Night!

No Masses!

2010-05-17T15:37:00.000-07:00

We had our followup with the neurologist today. She was excited to inform us that there are NO MASSES OR TUMORS on Braedon's brain!!!!!!

We are so excited and releaved about this! She wants to monitor his development process over the next six months to make sure he is on track with his speech. He has a few "words" and I say that loosly because to anyone besides immediate family, they don't sound like words; except "mama" that is a wonderful word that I love to hear. :)

She doesn't have any test results back yet and unfortunately the mitocondrial tests that everyone is particularly interested in will take forever to get back; like it could be late June at earliest that some of those start coming in.....it's a waiting game.

Yesterday I sat and listened to a wonderful and much needed sermon. It was on being in God's waiting room. Sometimes just being in His waiting room is what He has called us to do. To see what we will do while we are there. Sometimes there is nothing more, no perfect job, perfect house, etc. Sometimes He just wants to see what we will do in the midst of waiting and how we will portray our love for Him to others during that time. When we cloud our lives with worry and stress and complaining, we ruin the opportunity He has given us to wait and wait patiently on Him.

I am taking these valuable lessons and trying to apply them moving forward. I need to give it all to Him and I am trying, I really am. I am praying God gives me the insight to see what I can use this waiting time for to glorify His kingdom.

Right now, I am cherishing my children, rejoicing in a clean MRI and blowing bubbles in the backyard with the two most beautiful gifts I have ever received. :)

Bring on the results!

2010-05-16T22:59:00.000-07:00

So, after posting in the very very early hours yesterday morning because I couldn't sleep, I finally went to bed. At 6:45 my sister left for the airport and about 45 minutes later, Braedon started throwing up violently. He was like that until about 1030 before the vomitting slowed down. The vomitting also brought on the diarrhea. Friday night he missed one dose of his medication, I didn't think it was that big of a deal or I would have woken him up when I realized it. The last few days I have noticed him not doing as well as he was right after we started the medication. Yesterday morning was horrible, you would have never known he had been on medication at all.

I was so discouraged. I was so angry and I spent a few moments yelling at God to make sure he knew I was angry that Braedon was sick again. Poor thing would just crawl up onto my chest and lay there.

Today has been better. He only vomitted once, the diarrhea finally died off a bit this afternoon. Thank goodness! We have not missed any of the medication today and I won't make that mistake again. :)

Church was very convicting this morning. I attended Seacoast Church online. I love that church! The sermon was on God's waiting room and what things can make us miserable while we are in the waiting room and how sometimes God's calling is simply for us to be in the waiting room. Brought a lot out in front for me to think about and pray about.

Tomorrow morning....or later this morning if you want to be technical about it, we go to meet with the neurology team. We will find out what all of their tests showed, including the MRI. I am nervous and really not wanting to go by myself but no one is going to be able to go with me. Please pray that they are able to tell me what his episode was two weeks ago when he was admitted. I say that hesitantly because I dont want anything serious to be wrong that cannot be fixed easily.

I also have appointments with his primary, the gastrointestinal team, ENT, allergist and I think I am missing one over the next week and a half. Please pray these go well. It is still too early to get genetic results back from what I have been told. It will most likely be the end of June at the VERY earliest.

I am going to head to bed now so I can get some sleep. Braedon has been waking up crying a few times already but has been able to go back to sleep alone. Please pray tonight is not like yesterday morning.

Trying to find a peace

2010-05-15T00:43:00.000-07:00

We still don't have any word on any results. I have 5 appointments already made with Braedon's specialists this next week and two more to make Monday. I am trying SO. HARD. to be patient....today was a very hard day.

Braedon didn't sleep much last night, he didn't throw up but was very restless and screaming out in pain before calming down and falling back to sleep several times. His diapers are getting worse again, they most often look "radio-active green", I swear they could glow in the dark. He is getting more restless and discruntled during the days and sleeping restlessly during his naps.

I am so tired and so drained. I had a followup appointment with my primary yesterday and the receptionist, a wonderful woman and new mom, noticed I "looked exhausted". My primary asked how things were going, she called me two days before Braedon ended up in the hospital. I recounted everything quickly and she kept telling me how strong I am. I don't feel strong. I am struggling.

I am struggling with how to be strong for my kids. I am struggling with how to care for Braedon and cherish every minute while in the forefront of my mind I am constantly aware of what lies ahead of us if we receive positive results for some of these disorders. It is tearing me apart to know the prognosis is not good, that some doctors only give life expectancies of a few years to a max of living until age 30ish....that is NOT acceptable.

I am struggling to find peace in this and know God is in this no matter what. I fear losing my children; a mother's deepest fears I think. I am struggling with how to resist looking at anything else on the internet and journals until we hear from doctors. I am struggling with how to set Braedon aside and give Caileigh the time she deserves to have and needs badly. I struggle with the thought of missing any part of Braedon, with the thought of missing any part of Caileigh.

I need peace. I need answers and for them to be ok and for God to give Braedon the miraculous healing he needs because I am so tired and am finally realizing I have to give up all control to God. I have realized this week there is absolutely nothing I can do. It's almost as if God has given me several chances over the last 29 years to give it all up and I have never been able to do it; the circumstances have never been great enough. Well, now they are. I HAVE to give it all up to Him. I NEED to give it all up to Him. That honestly scares the crap out of me!

My sister flew into town for the week to be with me and the kids, and to help me with Caileigh. She was amazing! I miss her so much; she is my best friend. She and I had a chance to sit here and talk today while Caileigh was in school. It was so good, so healthy. I cried a lot, so did she. We have made a "To-Do" list of things I need to do in steps to help myself move forward. There are things for my marriage, for me personally to grow and become the person I used to be, things to help me as a mom and things for me to do to be able to give it all up to God and rely on Him the way I expect to be able to do with Soapy.

SHe said something that really stood out to me. I am looking to my husband to support me, encourage me, fill me and comfort me in a way that is totally impossible. It is just a very unrealistic expectation. She told me that God needs to be able to fill those needs for me and He will if I let Him. She related it to a first romance, you know, the kind you have in high school. The kind where anything is possible, the person is the most perfect guy you've ever met. They do everything right, you will be together forever, blah blah blah. :) Well, she said that is a glimpse at the kind of love relationship we are to have with God. Once that first love ends, we are hurt and our perception of love changes forever. Most women put such high expectaions on their husbands and it leads to such problems later in their marriage. Their husbands feel defeated and overwhelmed and unsuccessful at being the perfect husband. The women wonder how they could have married someone so wrong for them who doesn't fill their every need.

Husbands are not supposed to be able to fill those needs. My sister said, about her own marriage, that there are things she always imagined having in her marriage, that her husband would do for her that he will never do; she will never get them. That's ok, he's not supposed to. God gives you just enough love on earth to keep you wanting more in Heaven. He has given us a companion to live life with that we can love but not whole heartedly. If we loved them whole heartedly and they fit every pre-requesete we had, we wouldn't need God in our lives. God is to fill the voids of our life, of our marriage. He is to be our true love.

This is the peace I am dwelling on tonight and reminding myself as many times as it takes to keep myself looking forward and positive and committed to caring for my children and finding my son the best care possible. GOD is going to take care of us and of Braedon. I am praying if these results come back positive that He gives a miraculous healing because that is what it's going to take. I am praying if they come back negative that He gives a miraculous healing and totally baffles the doctors. Either way, I am praying...praying...praying.

Please be praying with me.

Round....????

2010-05-12T23:34:00.000-07:00

I am so releaved to have my sister here for a few days. She flew in Tuesday after the MRI and is staying till Saturday morning. I miss her terribly and wish she could just stay forever. It is so nice to have her here.

Braedon finally came out of the anesthesia yesterday. It took about 1-2 hrs for him to calm down, he was SO violent, including punching and kicking, biting and screaming. It was a bad site; definitely not an anesthesia I will encourage again.

Today has been a little disappointing, Braedon has started to show signs of going backwards again. He has been highly aggitated all day and his temper has had total meltdowns at a drop of a hat. He has been very tired but too restless to sleep well. This afternoon I noticed his tummy was very large again and not quite as hard as last week but close. When I got home from errands, we had two loose stools again after having two yesterday that were more or less normal. :(

I am not too thrilled about this. I am so tired and desperately need some sleep. I have already changed his bedding once today and am praying that is it for the night. I need to sleep. I just put him down and am currently waiting for him to fall asleep since we are sharing a room right now.

Please continue to pray for us and for the doctors that they would start to acquire some answers. I have done a very small amount of research in the grand scheme of things and it is concerning and discouraging at the treatments and prognosis given. Please pray that God would keep Satan from influencing my mood and tearing down the hope I know I have in Christ Jesus to heal my son and protect him.

Goognight everyone and may God bless you and your families.

Quiet voices

2010-05-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

Tonight it is quiet. I am feeling a bit anxious for tomorrow and for the next few months ahead. I have a feeling in my gut that is making me sick. I don't like it.

But as I sit here, I am hearing a voice and I had to share it with anyone that would listen. It said,

"Peace, I give you peace. Rest, I will comfort you. Pray, I will listen. Breathe, I will protect him. I love him more than you will ever love him and more than you will ever comprehend. It's ok, I know what is happening and what will happen. I have a plan and he is in it, you are in it, Soapy and Caileigh are in it. Take joy in knowing I love him and care for him and will not let you walk this alone."

Comforting words, and on that note, goodnight! :)

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

I am so unbelievably tired and am heading to bed but I wanted to post a quick update about our week.

First, Happy Mother's Day to every mom out there! I hope yall had a wonderful day, relaxing and filled with love. I know for some this can be a hard day for one reason or another and I pray for you that this year the pain was not so overwhelming.

Today was a great day for me. We didn't do much, in fact it was very low key. No flowers, no cards (except one Caileigh made at my parents' church this morning), no brunch or special affairs. Just relaxation, a walk around Garden of the Gods and time enjoying my two precious children.

This past Tuesday, my mom went with my to a scheduled appointment for Braedon at Denver Children's Hospital. On the way there, we believed he was having a seizure of sorts. It was beyond frightening. We got to the hospital and they knew we were coming and were told to go straight to the ER. See, April 22nd Braedon started in with another episode of GI problems except this time they did not go away 4-5 days later. They are still happening. He vomits and has about 12 liquid stooled diapers a day.

Braedon was admitted Tuesday and they immediately performed a CT of his head and abdomen. There was nothing of extreme concern, he had an EEG performed and no seizure activity was reported but they can't rule out epilepsy. Upon talking with several doctors from many departments, countless labs had been requested, most coming from the Metabolic team. They are looking at a few very viable genetic disorders that would tie in his GI problems that he has had since birth (we now believe them to not be solely related to food allergies if at all) with the spell he had Tuesday.

--Tuesday before getting in the car I gave him a bath. He screamed for 10 minutes or so and then suddenly sat down in the corner and stared at the tub floor. He wouldn't respond to his name, my hands in front of him or toys. We took him out and he seemed to be in a daze. While putting him in the car he went very limp and we had to pull him into position and turn his head just to get him strapped in. --

We left the hospital Friday night but not before we got answers and a temporary plan on how to control his vomitting (the other could actually get worse with the medication they have him on). So far so good! We are two days into this treatment and no vomitting and very little diarrhea!!! Today he ate a little more and actually played a bit with his sister and was happy. We are hoping this treatment will work long enough to get some answers. It is not a medication that is safe long term so we need answers soon and realistic treatment plans.

Please pray for us as we step into this new season of our lives. I spent a large part of the morning researching hospitals that are leading in technology and research for metabolic and genetic testing/treatments. I have a few main locations in mind and am waiting to see what comes back from these tests to determine what steps to take next.

We were all set to move when Soapy gets a job and now we are kind of waiting; waiting to see what is wrong with Braedon and where the best treatment is for him. It is hard to wait patiently and Soapy is getting very discouraged that interviews are not coming in yet but I believe God is waiting to give us a job offer until we know what is wrong with our son. As it stands, daycare will not watch Braedon because of his constant condition of being sick; even though it isn't contagious. They don't have the time to devote or the extra person to devote to him when he is getting sick every few minutes.

Please pray for Braedon that his body would stay strong through all the waiting and testing. He has an MRI Tuesday at 1230 and they will have to sedate him (the last few times he has not done real well with sedation, his O2 sats. drop). We won't know for about a month what the genetic tests will begin to show. We were hoping to be moving to a new job, wherever that may be, at the end of this month once Caileigh is out of school. Please pray for Soapy that God would give him a calm and renew his hope in Him. Please pray for me that I would be the mother and wife I am needed to be right now. Please pray that I am not only able to care for Braedon but also to help support Caileigh, she is showing signs of anxiety from the stress and fear of what is wrong with her brother; she loves him so very much.

Thanks to everyone so far that has been praying for our family and for our son. The prayers mean so much to us. I am going to be talking about an idea I have for raising money to support our family and a charity that is very dear to my heart. The hospital trips out of town are getting very costly and I need to find a way to help offset that cost. Please don't be put off by the advertising or mention of earning money, it is truly to help our son and for that I am not sorry.

Happy Mother's Day everyone and have a blessed week!

Photography

2010-04-14T21:33:00.000-07:00

Soapy bought me a new camera!! I will admit, it is way more than I ever expected and way more camera than I actually need to learn on, but.....I am persuing a hobby/obsession with photography and he didn't want to buy one camera now and down the road hear how I "needed" a better camera to produce better product. Plus, there was an AMAZING deal on the one he bought so he jumped in with two feet and the sales person saw him coming a mile away! :)

I am just learning how to use Photoshop Elements and Picasa, along with the editing software that came with my camera. I am trying out all Adobe programs before I commit to purchasing one or another. I feel that is important to ensure I get a program I can use and understand.

Last Saturday we took the kids out to the playground/park here in town. It was the first time I got to play around with my new Nikon D40. Previously I have only had an Olympus P&S and my mom's old film Minolta camera. She doesn't have the instruction manual to it and I could not find one so I was getting very frustrated needless to say trying to learn her camera.

Saturday I did learn a lot about my camera. I am learning about how to adjust the aperture, ISO, white balance and how being closer to your subject really is better. Here are two pictures I took, I have not edited them yet....I did but for some reason it won't upload the edited photos...working on that.

Please Pray for Hailey

2010-04-08T19:49:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine that I have met through this wonderful blog world lives in Denver, CO. Her daughter Hailey is 4 and dealing with some very serious conditions. Some of them are seizures and a condition called encephalopathy (I hope I spelled that right). SHe is such an amazingly sweet and giving little girl.

Robin is a wonderful mom. She has three children, one of them is in Heaven. Her husband Jeremy is awaiting medical seperation from the military after coming back from the Middle East. They are having a really rough time with getting the disability benefits he deserves and because of Hailey's condition, their medical care is not able to help after a certain point is reached. They are very tired, worn, frustrated and heart broken.

Three days ago, Hailey went into the hospital with another episode. This is the worst they have ever seen her. Early this mornign the catheter was lost in her arm and now is lost somewhere in her body. THe doctors aren't sure what to do to find it and once they do how to remove it. There is risk of it being in her heart or lungs.

At noon today she crashed hard. She stopped breathing and technically died. The rapid response team was able to stabilize her and she is not intubated and in ICU. She is awaiting a CT Scan, an ultrasound, EEG, EKG, and bloodwork. Please pray for Hailey and for her parents. Please pray for strength and peace. Please pray for the doctors and medical staff that they would be able to figure out her problems and that they would act swiftly and safely to bring Hailey out of this.

For up to date information, Robin's blog is http://www.visbalfamily.blogspot.com/ . She is also on Twitter and Facebook under robinvisbal. She can't update her blog that often but said that she wil be tweeting as often as possible to keep current prayer requests.

Thanks so much.

Results and stuff...

2010-04-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up to hearing words like, "delays" and "closures" on the radio. I layed there in bed thinking, SERIOUSLY??!!? I got up and sure enough the white stuff was coming down hard. In no time we had about 2 inches and then suddenly the sun came out and it stopped...then it started..then it stopped and started...you know.
Caileigh's school was not delayed unfortunately so off to school she went but before I could walk out the door to drive her to school, the phone rang.

It was Dr F, the GI specialist in Denver. He apologized for me getting some incorrect information and the need to worry based on how the initial results were given to me. He said all tests came back...NORMAL!!! Praise God it was not this GI disease we were all worried about, and my mother in law's fear (and in the back of all our minds) of cancer. The bad thing is, he has no idea what to tell me. He can't explain the symptoms or the irritation.

So the decision for now is to do nothing. When Braedon goes back into another episode of this we will pack our bags and go to Denver for 2-3 days so Braedon can be hospitalized. Not really what I want but there is a degree of relief knowing they will test him in house on food and monitor his stats, taking samples of stool and what have you while we are there. I just have to wait for another episode to pop up.

So thank you everyone for praying for the results to come back clear. Please pray he goes into his next episode when Soapy can be home and help me with Caileigh or she will have to miss school (or something, just not sure what that will be yet) and that the doctors can see first hand what is happening and can help us solve this mystery. It gets pretty frustrating watching him in pain and holding him down to change his diaper and put cream on him when he looks like he has 2nd degree burns all over his bottom area.

Other news--Love A Thon results: Angela and Brittany I am so sorry that I have slacked on getting this sorted out, things have just been overwhelming the last few weeks. I have decided to give you BOTH a gift card for Mary Kay!! Please email me and give me your contact information and I will get it to you. I have a website but am having trouble with it right now, it should be up and running soon and then you can order from there. :) Check out these girls sites, they are super cute and have some great ideas in them!

Well, that is all for now! Later I am going to put up some pictures (FINALLY) of Easter and random things the kids have been up to lately. Have a great day y'all!!! :)

Waiting....

2010-04-06T22:17:00.000-07:00

We are still waiting. We went to Denver last Thursday, April 1st for Braedon's appointment for his colonoscopy and endoscopy. They did it and he did farely well coming out of it, we were able to go home that day. YAY!
What I didn't like was the consult afterwards. The doctor came and found me in the lobby and went over the pictures. She said the colon did not look good. I asked what could cause what she saw and she said she couldn't tell me, not until after the results come back from the biopsies but that they took several good spots so they should get the information they need. She told me to start calling first thing Monday morning for results so I did. I left message after message only to get a reply that afternoon that the nurse talked to the doctor and he wants to talk to me personally and will call me when he has a moment in between patients. It is Tuesday, still no word, I only know after I called this morning that it can take him 48 hours to call me back.

I am trying very hard not to get frustrated and angry, though I want to be right now. I am trying very hard not to worry and be scared. I am trying very VERY hard to give it to God and let Him do with it as He wills. A woman at Target tonight stopped to say hi to Braedon. She was not able to ever have children but she loves them so much. He was very happy and social. They played peek-a-boo for a bit and then she looked at me and asked if he was healthy. I was somewhat puzzled and told her for the most part but that we were actually waiting for results. She immediately put her hand on him and started praying and all I could do was stand there and hold him and cry. It touched me so much that a perfect stranger felt lead to pray for him.

So tonight I am waiting and praying for peace and comfort. I am waiting on God to show us what miraculous things he has in store for Braedon. I believe He has a great work to do in by son and I am excited to see how it all unfolds.

Thy Will Be Done Lord

2010-03-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

This week is such a sensitive week for me, each year. Ever since I was a little girl, I have had an unreal realization of what Holy Week is all about. Maybe it was hearing the story read each year, going to the Good Friday services, watching the Passion plays (I am sure the "guard" that ripped Rainbow Bright from my terrified hands as he walked down the aisle when I was 5 years old didn't help)....who knows. But as a child I had it in my mind that when Good Friday rolled around and noon hit....that was it. NO. MORE. JESUS!

That's right, I convinced myself that each year from noon on Good Friday until sunrise on Easter, Jesus took a break and the world was on their own. Not even the comfort of knowing my parents were there could help me. I would lay awake until I absolutely passed out praying God would send Jesus back soon or that the sun would just come up. Somehow seeing the promise of light renewed my strength that this weekend was almost over and the joy of Christ's ressurection was almost here.

I was the first to jump out of bed on Easter to get dressed and go to church. Forget the Easter Bunny, I wanted my dad up and dressed, driving me to church so we could set up the sound for sunrise service (my parents were very active in the music ministry...thus meaning my sister and I followed suit). When those first rays of sunshine peaked through the clouds I could breathe. It's like I tried to carry the weight of the world on my tiny shoulders for three days....
That is a lot of weight!!!

I have since grown out of this misconception but it is something I always reflect on each year. God's shoulders must be pretty tired! The burden I tried to put on myself was unbearable and I was only a kid, trying to deal with the weight of my world. I am so blessed to have the Lord on my side; he is always there.

It is me who is not always there and for this I am struggling right now. This week Braedon is having some procedures done at Childrens' Hospital in Denver. I am a wreck to say the least. I can't shake this feeling of complete and utter panic like fear that there is something the doctors are missing. These tests Thursday he has not done well with in the past, he has had reactions to the anesthesia and that has me extremely nervous. Once again, I am trying to carry the weight of my world on my shoulders instead of giving it to God.

All the way to Denver today I kept repeating in my head, "Let your will be my will, let Your ways be my ways. Lord, let Your will be done in my life and in Braedon's life. Lord, I committ my child to you." --I mean it most of the time but it sure would be nice if I meant it all of the time. I so badly desire to align my life with God's purpose for me; fear and insecurity hold me back. What if I disappoint Him? What if I can't do what he calls me to do perfectly? What if the adjustments I have to make (referencing a book study, Experiencing God, that our small group is doing and I plan on touching on each week as I work through this journey) are greater than what I think I can stand? What if those adjustments meant giving up control of my children and the well being I think is best for them to be God's idea for their well being? What if God's idea is not what I want? How can I be at peace with this???

How was Jesus able to be at peace with "this" -the "Thy will be done" thing? How could he sit there knowing he would be crucified and not run away? He could have, he was fully capable of that decision. How was He able to give it all to God and voluntarily walk into all the pain he had to experience? How could he hang from the cross and in one breath ask God why he had been forsaken and then give himself wholly over to his Father? How?? I WANT THAT PEACE!!!!!!!!

I want to be able to give up control. I want to be able to breathe easily at night when I got to bed knowing God's "got this". I want to be able to sit calmly through Braedon's procedure Thursday not anxious over the outcome. I want to give God all my worries and pain for I am too tired to carry their heavy burden any longer.

LORD, please take these from me. Renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence Lord. You know the plans you have for me, for Caileigh, for Braedon, for Soapy. They are plans to prosper and not to harm, to give hope. Allow me to give up control over the plans for our lives and rest in the peace of knowing that whatever the end result, it was Your plan from the beginning; before I was ever created in my mother's womb.

Lord, let thy will be done.

Real Quick

2010-03-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

I can't write long, I have to get ready to go teach my little ones how to dance (or they teach me how to give up control....still not real sure who teaches who sometimes!). I am so excited for those of you who have helped raise money for the love a thon! I know we have reached our goal but I am sure if anyone felt like still donating it would be greatly appreciated and you have a chance to win some really cool prizes on some of the sponsoring blogs!

This week we could really use some prayers. Our house closes Wednesday and after that we will be free from a house in another state that has been weighing us down. Please pray that we don't have any problems getting things signed and turned over to the new owner.

Soapy is returning to traveling this week for work. :( My birthday is on Easter this year and we are all sad that he won't be here to celebrate with us again (he missed last year too, Braedon's first Easter). He is putting in job applications this week and we are praying God will lead us to where we are supposed to be....I am trying to also let go and realize that the right job will come in His time, not mine. We thought he may have a job lead that would get him out of traveling in the next two weeks but it hasn't worked out. I was very dissapointed and kind of upset so I spent some time with God having my attitude adjusted and hearing Him tell me that it wasn't HIS time......lesson learned...until I get impatient again and hear it again (it is my life long challenge).

Most importantly, Braedon goes to Denver Childrens' Hospital this week on Tuesday for an upper GI w/ a follow through and then Thursday for a colonoscopy/endoscopy. I am very nervous about these as last year he came out of it not breathing well and was hospitalized on oxygen. Please pray for him that he comes out ok. Please pray the doctors can find what is bothering him and a cure. Please pray for my nerves as I sit there alone because Soapy will be working Thursday and I have a large unshakeable fear that there is something really wrong that everyone is missing.

Thanks friends, to everyone I know and don't for reading and praying for our little man. :)

It's A.....

2010-03-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

Through this crazy space called blogland, I've been privileged to get to know a great lady named Ellyn. She's got quite a story.

She doesn't think she's strong, Ellyn (even after losing her precious Eli, raising funds to allow her deaf fourth-born to hear and surviving a divorce that was just finalized this week), but she's far too strong to ever ask for this kind of help. Well, that's what friends are for, right?! Sarah and Mandy thought up this brilliant Love-A-Thon and we're happy to ask on Ellyn's behalf (and, by the way, she has no idea we are doing this)!

Well ok, she might now.

In order to stay in her home, the only home Seth has ever known, she needs to raise $2,400 by the end of the month. If you don't know her story, and why she is in danger of losing the family home, just click here. But we're warning you: you will fall head-over-heals in love!

To keep this little fundraiser completely legal, you will not be donating money in exchange for raffle tickets. Simply donate (any amount helps), and then comment to tell us you have done so. Mandy is giving away a blog makeover, and Sarah is giving away four (yea!) Jared Anderson CD's. Renee is also giving away some fab prizes on her blog so go check them all out! I will give away a Mary Kay $10 gift certificate to someone who comments after donating on my blog!

If you are interested in the blog makeover (and I know you are!), comment on Mandy's post. If you are interested in some rockin' praise music (and why wouldn't you be?), comment on Sarah's post. If you are interested in Renee's prizes, comment on her blog. If you are interested in my prize, comment on mine. If you're interested in all of them, comment on all of them! :)

Wanna help more?! Of course you do!

If you'd like to place this Chip-in on your blog and possibly offer your own prize to commenters, just let Sarah know. She'll put you on a list so that all Love-a-thon participants will have a chance to enter your giveaway as well!

Life is so precious and way too short-Let's raise money for these precious lives!

2010-03-09T21:48:00.000-08:00

Today, while taking care of my sick baby boy, and spending some much needed time with my mom, I got a tweet about Layla Grace going to "play with the angels" this morning. My heart just sunk. I knew this beautiful girl was losing her earthly battle with cancer and it was probably coming very soon but still, as a mom, my heart just cried and broke for her family. I have not been able to get her or Kate out of my mind all day today. Both of these little girls are battling cancer, one is 2 and the other 6. Both are way to young to be facing such harsh truths about life. Their families are learning too many harsh truths about life; I don't know how their parents continue each day, it is so hard.

Following their stories and praying for them daily reminds me of how lucky I am. How lucky I am to have two beautiful children that I get to hold here on earth. How lucky I am to have a wonderful husband and parents loving enough to let us stay with them. How lucky I am to have such great health to care for my children and for right now, I get to stay home and raise my children. I am so lucky, no, blessed...I prefer blessed. It makes me want to run upstairs right now and pick up my sleeping babes and just rock them and hold them until morning. I never want to let them go.

I have made a decision tonight and I would love prayer, support and anyone who would like to help me with my decision. I have decided to start my Mary Kay business again. Once I lost our last baby and then two months later became pregnant with Braedon, I quit. There was no working anything. I was NOT losing another child. Since his birth I have been so overwhelmed with caring for him and trying to be his advocate in his health struggles that I have not paid any attention to my business. Now, I have to. I have to or it will be a decision made to go back to an 8-5 (which we all know is more 7-6 with childcare drop off) office job. It will mean leaving my children with someone else and all the colds and viruses that go along with that. I can't do that to Braedon when we have no idea what is wrong with him and the medications he continues to be on are compromising his immune system.

So I am going to work and dedicate myself to blessing other women in their lives while I work to provide the best care for my children. What do I need? I need encouraging words, prayer and honestly, I honestly need faces and ears. I need people who would experience the Mary Kay skin care (there is glamour too and I do touch into that but I am concerned with educating women on good skin care to protect them from cancer, the sun, aging, etc) and give me their honest opinions. I need women who are looking for something to add to their life as a way to make a few extra bucks or to support a whole household on (it can be done, I used to sit and have lunch with women who made $15,000 a month easy). I need women who are willing to share what I do with their friends, even if they don't think it is for them, there are people they know that they can pay it forward to.

Anyone who helps me in my quest will receive my thanks, prayers in return, and a gift for helping to grow my business. Please just email me and ask me how. As a way to pay it forward, I will donate 15% of ALL sales to Kate and Layla through Easter Sunday (it also happens to be my birthday). Please just leave me a comment that you would like to help and I will contact you. You can help by placing an order, holding a party, having a facial yourself (near or far away), holding a book party, listening to the career opportunity; just let me know!

Back to Blogging

2010-03-04T08:20:00.000-08:00

I have been a bad blogger lately. With Braedon being in the hospital, out and in and now out again.....I am exhausted! We are getting better though, PTL! We took a pulse/ox reading last night, the alarms only went off a few times but not long enough for me to have to turn the oxygen on. I still think its an apneia issue...we will see.
I took the O2 tubes off his face this morning; that's the first time since they were put on (aside from when my new friend Jennifer took family pictures for us last week while in the Springs for the Focus on Marriage simulcast). He is so happy to be free! I have been taking a twisty tie and tying up the cord behind him and then stuffing it up his shirt so it would stay out of the way. He has also had the pulse/ox cord running from his foot up his pant leg and then also tied in with the O2 hose. He is currently sitting here next to me in the kitchen banging the pots and strainers together having a great time!
When I am done, we will take the monitor back for reading, go do some grocery shopping and then head home for nap time! I love nap time!!!! :) I am going to get so much done today during nap time I can hardly wait!!! There's finishing the cleaning, putting away the laundry, setting up our new fish tank that I got handed down from my grandmother. It is one of my favorite things from when I was a kid; I loved to help her feed the fish when we would come to visit. I am also looking forward to sitting down and spending some time talking and listening to God.
See, WE. SOLD. OUR. HOUSE!!!!!!! We did! The man loved it and actually sent us an offer while we were in the hospital but it was ridiculously low and we turned it down. Well, he loved it so much he came up a whole $14,000! He is military, I think, and needed to have a contract signed last weekend and needs to have it closed no later than the end of this month. I cannot believe it; it is such an answer to prayer!!!!
There are so many more things I want to lay out here, on my blog, but it will have to wait until this evening after the kids are in bed. I am going to be writing several more (smaller I promise) posts to play catch up from the last three weeks. I have some thoughts I would like to share and get some advice on some of them too so please come back and keep up with me as I hash through it all!
Have a great day yall!

We Are HOME!!!!!!! :)

2010-02-23T13:20:00.000-08:00

Monday night, the doctor came in, at 8:30 pm. We had already settled in for the night, ordered dinner from the cafeteria and were getting Braedon ready to sleep. She came in and said we were free to go home, as long as Breadon stays on oxygen and gets regular check ups on his oxygen %. We were tempted to wait until the next morning to leave but there was a snow storm already coming in and was supposed to snow through the morning. I didn't not want to be driving home on bad roads so we quickly rushed to pack everything up and at 10:30 walked in the front door to our home.
Caileigh was already asleep and despite trying to wake her she would not. So Braedon gave his sister a kiss on the cheek and that was that. He was so excited to see her, his dogs and toys. He got too excited and we had to settle him down and up the oxygen for a bit. He rested so well Monday night, slept the entire thing!
We had the home care company come out and bring us oxygen and a nebulizer. He does better with the inhaler (struggling and such) but the results aren't as good so we are going to try and transition him to the neb. instead.
Today he has been very happy and wanting to play more. He is getting worked up easily and worn out quickly. Little steps, one at a time....just try telling that to an active almost 15 month old (tomorrow! he is growing so incredibly fast).
Thursday he has an appointment to check his oxygen and to meet with his primary doc, Dr L. He is going to help me with working out a plan for weaning off the steroids and the oxygen, if he's ready. We are going to talk about Braedon's adnoids and tonsels...the doc @Childrens thinks they may be swollen (too large naturally) and that could be causing some of the breathing problems, along with when he gets sick they cause the opening in his nasal passages to be too swollen for them to drain and for the colds to clear up.
Once the colds get bad then he goes into an asthma attack showing us how he reacts like last week.

On top of the asthma and cold stuff, he was also dealing with a typical food allergy attack too, All things combined caused him to get extremely dehydrated and having difficulty breathing. We are scheduled to see a specialist Dr F at Children's in Denver to persue some GI issues, including EE and EG. These two conditions are eosenophillic diseases that have no cure but can be medically controled along with a diet. They can come across as food allergy reactions but all of his allergy testings are inconclusive. These diseases could bring all of his GI issues to rest. Or maybe not. Either way, GOD is in control and I am remaining vigilant in my prayers and continued reliance on Him.

It is hard as a parent to do this. As a parent all I want is to make him better. RIGHT NOW! You hurt to see your children hurt and hurt evenmore when you cannot immediately make it better for them. This is a process though and God is challenging me to grow in my ability to rely on Him, give Him the control to care for my child and to increase my ability to be patient and be an example in all of these to my family but importantly to my children. I pray every day that Caileigh would see what her brother is going through and realize how important life is and how precious her ability to love and have a family is. I pray that she would learn from me as I FROG (fully rely on God). This is so important to me.

So for now, I am praising my God for bringing Braedon home. Despite a bit of oxygen and some meds, he is happy and getting healthy. I am so thankful that it sin't anything more severe. Sitting in the hospital hearing children crying and parents crying and code alarms going off on the floor was scary and something I never want to directly experience. I am so thankful for my two beautiful children that I have here on earth and looking forward to the day when I get to meet my children in Heaven.

Thank you for any of you that have prayed for my son and for our family.

Prayers Please

2010-02-21T15:38:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't blogged in FOREVER but things have been hard. We are in the hospital, for almost a week now. One week after tomorrow. Braedon came down with a cold and it turned into something unmanagable with his allergies and asthma. We headed to the ER last Tuesday night after he had been vomitting and refusing to eat/drink for three days. High fever, they think just because he was so overrun. They admitted him becuase his oxygen levels were so low. He has been on it almost all week until Friday night when he had a wonderful night. We thought yesterday he was going home, got discharged, packed and were awaiting discharge instructions. All of a sudden his O2 dropped again and had to be put back on. We weren't going home.
Today we are sitting here waiting patiently and honestly I am really being patient. I am ok with whatever God has in store for us and don't want to leave in haste. He is still on some oxygen and I don't mind taking him home on it. I am worried about why he is on it if his lungs are clear and his heart rate is dropping too and they aren't sure what's causing that.
I guess we wll find out sooner or later. Please pray that our doctor today takes the initiative to run some tests to figure things out. Please pray that Braedon's asthma gets under control and we can go home to be a family this week. It's been really hard on Caileigh not being able to have her parents both home and she really misses her brother.
Thanks!

Long Day and it's ponderings

2010-02-12T00:05:00.000-08:00

It has been such a long day! Actually, it's been a long week..but that is for a different day. :)
Today I woke up and took Caileigh to school, her sinus infection is atleast under control and she wasn't coughing until she gagged so that is an improvement! I came back and fed Braedon and myself. We got some learning time in and working on his speech before laying him down for a little nap. While he slept I ~~ran around~~ ~~like a chicken with my head cut off~~ calmly gathered our things for the trip to Denver this afternoon, did some laundry and cleaned the kitchen. When all was said and done, Braedon was awake and before dashing to the school to pick up Caileigh, we inhaled some wonderful soup and rice from the local chinese restaurant. LOVE THEM!!

We picked Caileigh up and headed to Denver. I was dreading this trip. We were meeting with Braedon's allergist group, known to shrug their shoulders at his perplexing continuation of symptoms but vague conclusions as to their cause always resulting in walking out the door still "giving his body time" to work through the proposed allergies (that through testings are never there). Today I was ready to fight. I had done some research and was coming prepared. I had insanely documented his diet and apparent pattern of symptoms over the last two months. It is a pattern that seems to last about a week and shows up every two weeks. It's extremely frustrating and heart breaking to watch your child in pain, throwing up, sore all over their bottom from the irritation and patches of eczema in spite of every attempt made to prevent them.

This last month was one of the worst yet. He had blood in his stools, running through him like nothing for a good week. During that time we had about 3 days of vommitting...not fun. He seemed to have trouble swallowing when he would eat and that scares a mom half to death. There has been no change in his diet. His allergy tests come up normal but the doctors are convinced it is proctocolitis....I don't think so.....

A very very dear friend of mine has three beautiful boys. Her middle son is nearly 2 and last year around his first birthday they diagnosed him with EE and EG (both incurable conditions...for now but can be medicated and with the right elimination diet can be controled). The only way to check for these and monitor their progress is through endoscopies and colonoscopies. After talking with her, we agreed the boys symptoms are very much the same or atleast very similar. Obviously there are different severities of these conditions.

Today I approached one of the doctors with this idea. She thinks it is worth looking at, which was totally NOT the answer I expected to hear. I was almost joyful! Joyful because maybe it is a step in coming to an answer. I would rather Braedon was diagnosed with proctocolitis...it can be grown out of over a few years, the other is very rare but is being diagnosed more and more as the research on these conditions becomes more indepth. We have been referred to a doctor at Childrens Hospital in Denver that has dealt with this special condition and is very experienced with it. I am praying he hears me out and gives Braedon the time he deserves to figure out what is ailing him. I don't want to watch him like this anymore but am quite aware that his problems could be so much worse.

Please pray for us, that the doctors are able to see him soon (there is typically a month to two month waiting list) and are open to looking at all options for diagnosis. Please pray that Braedon does not get so bad again, I fear we are heading back into another bad week and Soapy will go back to work Tuesday. Please pray for the P family and their son J as they are desperately trying to find an answer to his med intolerance.

Please also pray for Kate at http://www.prayforkate.com/ She has a brain tumor and is undergoing severe amounts of chemo right now. She is six and her condition is no way related to Braedon's...it is far worse and it is really burdening my heart to pray for her and share her story. She is six years old and from what I have learned as I follow them and pray for her and her family, she and her family are such wonderful, amazing, blessed, God-filled people. Please stop by her page and pray for them and pass it on to others.

Thanks, good night....

How Soapy popped "The Question"

2010-02-09T12:29:00.000-08:00

So a friend of mine Mama M. came up with this great idea of a week long recount for Valentines Day. Today is about how your man popped the question! It looks like fun so visit her blog for all the details and to link up with your own story! Enjoy!

Well, poor thing, the story to follow didn't turn out ANY way close to what he had planned. In his defense, he had put a lot of thought into the wonderful moment until....the Navy stepped in.....

Ok, so right before Valentines Day, I rented a duplex (knowing that sometime soon I knew I would not be the only one living there). I had found a replicaj model '67 Camero convertible. Soapy had told me how much he would love one so I bought this model and put it all together and had been working on it for several weeks. Due to drug use by his roommate on base, he had started moving some things over to my place since he spent more time there than he did with his roomie.

He told me that he was taking me to dinner downtown Charleston, SC for Valentines Day. We were not getting to spend much time together at that point because I was finishing my last year of school and he was working shift work. I was totally excited for our date just to spend time with him but I also knew it would be a perfect opportunity for him to ask me to marry him.

I was all ready for our date, he was going to be off watch and picking me up about 7:30....at 8:45 I am getting a call that he still has not left yet. The guy that was supposed to releave his watch had not shown up. At 9:30 he finally was there and was exhausted. He came in and asked me if I even wanted to go or just stay in and watch a movie. We had missed our reservations at one of the most prestigious restaurants in town.

I was internally bummed as I felt that he wasn't going to ask and part of me wanted to just give up but decided to go out anyways. We went downtown to a greek restaurant/pub. Totally NOT romantic in any way, I was in a sweatshirt and jeans if I remember correctly. We ran into some friends as we were leaving and one asked if he was ever going to ask me to marry him and he just laughed.

We went for our walk down the Battery as we always did and walked to the gazebo. This gazebo was a special place for me. It is where my dad re-enlisted each time while he was in the Navy. I had dreamt as a little girl that I would say my vows under it and as a little girl loved to dance around on it like I was a princess. It was nearly midnight and very dark. As we were talking about how I wanted to get married there some day he got down on one knee. He opened a box and there was a ring!!! A policeman on a side street must have seen what he was doing and started flashing his brites and top lights, it was so sweet. As we walked back down the Battery some kids on the other side of the wall were shooting off fireworks. Someone had put fireworks there just for me (haha)!

Later he admitted to how detailed the original plan was. He had made a special menu at the restaurant for me to read as they presented champagne and the ring. It was going to be the most romantic thing he has ever done. Instead, I almost found the ring rolled up in a sweatshirt he left at my place, we went out in jeans and sweatshirts because "we might as well" and then everything turned out perfectly!

P90X and The Biggest Loser

2010-02-02T21:03:00.000-08:00

Every season I tune in to the Biggest Loser show. My daughter and I make a date out of it each Tuesday night and do jumping jacks, sit ups, stretches and stuff like that while we watch it. We are trying to teach her good health habits now as she is still losing the baby weight but also starting school; kids can be so cruel you know?
This season has been no different. We are all watching the Biggest Loser and tonight put in for the "Pound for Pound Challenge". I am excited and can't wait to see the new me in May! I am pledging to lose another 20 pounds in addition to my weight loss from last year. It will be almost 100 pounds! I can't wait!!!!

To add to my challenge of eating healthy and just "losing weight"...Soapy and I started the P90X workout series yesterday. It kicks your butt, but it feels so good! I actually started last week and this week started over so Soapy and I are on the same week. We are so excited to see how this is going to change and challenge us! We are so excited to see it motivate our daughter to get more active and start learning how to make better choices. We are excited to see how our walk will change and challenge our family and friends and pray that somehow it honors God!

Wish us luck! I will update every week to let everyone know how well this is going and what tips I have learned through the week!

Getting To Know You

2010-01-24T21:28:00.000-08:00

Here goes another week of Getting To Know You! I love this post; it helps us all get to know a little bit more about our online friends! If you'd like to join in go to Keely's blog and follow the directions; it's pretty easy! Just copy the questions, post and link up on her blog!

The questions..

1. Waffles, pancakes or french toast?

Waffles are my FAV! Of course I would suffer through the other two as well, that's what polite southerners do. ;)

2. Dream home..What would it look like?

On the beach, two story wrap around porch both levels....porch swing on the front, private walk to the sand. :)

3. Favorite sport to watch during the Winter Olympics?

Figure skating of course!!! So excited that one of our own is headed to the olympics!!! Rachel won the gold today @Nationals!!!! Watched the rest of it tonight with my daughter and pointed out some of the people I used to skate with...felt really really old.

4. The first word that comes to mind when describing yourself?

Nurturing

5. Dresses, pants (jeans, leggings, etc.) or skirts?

hmm, I prefer sundresses but if I wore them here in CO outside of our 6 weeks of summer...I would freeze my butt off so..I go for the jeans, boots and a cute top that is always covered by huge, thick sweatshirts or pullovers....though right now I am wearing my husbands fuzzy pj pants and his sweatshirt and it is a little piece of heaven.

6. What is your favorite time of day?

hmmm, I don't know. Until recently I have not been taking time to slow down to enjoy the days. I am changing that, time is too precious. I would have to say probably mid morning because that is when my son gets snuggly and we read stories and play with his toys. Also late afternoon when he goes down for a nap and Caileigh is home from school. She calms down then and we are able to spend some time together too.

7. Beach or Mountains..which do you prefer?

I love the mtns but I am not a cold weathered girl at heart. If we were able to go do things together in the mtns maybe it would be different but soapy travels too much right now. I was born on the southern coast and will forever be a Carolina girl!

8.Will you watch the Super Bowl?

Yes, we have our small group time at that time so we are going to have a super bowl party. It will be hard to not indulge in all the great food so I am going to try and bring enough stuff for me to eat.

Help Haiti

2010-01-22T19:28:00.000-08:00

I just watched the Hope for Haiti Now tele-thon. It was truely inspiring! To add another avenue for donations I would like to offer up my business. I am a Mary Kay Consultant. ANY orders placed between now and the end of the month, I will take 20% and donate it to help affected by Haiti.
Please PLEASE pass this post along, my website www.marykay.com/cmartin2773 and my email cmartin2773@gmail.com . I can help with daily orders, gift orders...remember Valentines Day is coming up! I arrange beautiful baskets and can put one together for nearly any price. I can deliver if you are within a reasonable distance or ship to anywhere.
Please help me send as much money as we can to help with their many needs today and in the days, weeks, months and years to come!

Thanks SO much!
Christy

Expressions of You

2010-01-21T22:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Braedon, wonderful, joyful beautiful son of mine. I love you. You are the love of my life and I love everything about you! You have the catchiest smile and the life that is in each expression is priceless; I wish I could bottle them all up for a rainy day years from now when I want to hold you again.
Your sense of adventure excites me; I am also a little aprehensive to see where this sense will take you as you grow older. I pray for both of us that God will protect you and calm my nerves as you will undoubtably test your mortal limits.
All this being said, for now, can you just be little? Can you crawl up as many times as you like into my lap with your puppy and your books? Can we sit and snuggle watching the dogs play? Can we roll the ball back and forth and splash in the bathtub?
If there is one thing I could ask of you tonight though, if it's not too much to ask, could you refrain from pooping all over your self and then holding your arms up for a hug without telling me that I am going to be wearing it? Can you please refrain from turning to me, as I sit going to the bathroom, and puke all over me, down the front of my jeans, down the inside of my jeans, all over the floor and even in the toilet? I really could do without those moments...sigh...but if that is the price I must pay for all the other wonderful moments, I guess it will be ok.

LOVE YOU!
~Mommy

My heart aches

2010-01-17T22:50:00.000-08:00

It is 11:40pm...I cannot sleep. I am instead watching something on the tv next to my husband and refreshing the facebook page for the Hotel Montana in Haiti. I am searching for new information, hope that one of "ours" is still alive and to be rescued soon.
Renee Hames goes to my MOPS group. Her husband David went as a videographer with Dan Wooley to Haiti. They were both in the lobby but Dan was able to get into the elevator and when he looked back, there was too much in the way for him to see David. Dan, PRAISE GOD, was rescued and he is back with his wife now. David is still missing and my heart aches for Renee and their two sons. I didn't know her well except for meeting her once and seeing her at MOPS, we have a very large group. I wish there was more I could do to help but there isn't.
I see and think about all the children that have lost their homes, their entire families. I want to scoop them all up in my arms and hold them and take care of them. My heart just aches for all the families that have lost someone close to them or who are still missing. My heart aches for those that are still trapped and are scared. My heart aches for these children who are scared and wondering who will care for them.

My heart just aches so I will pray.

Getting To Know You-HELP HAITI!

2010-01-17T20:56:00.000-08:00

I pulled this from a friend's website here. It is fun way to get to know your fellow bloggers! The GREAT part about this week is Keely and her husband are donating .25 cents for everyone that follows her blog today or links up to the post! Let's give her LOTS of links so we can aid in the help for Haiti!

All you have to do is cut and past the questions, start your own post or go to her blog and leave a msg. Be sure to link up to her post though!

1. Hair color..Au naturale..or not? Well, it's kind of natural....I colored it close to my natural color for now....went the cheapest route till things get better. The bad part is I am already starting to grey and I cannot handle that yet so I am sure before too long i am going to have to break down and get it colored again.

2. If somebody has food in their teeth or lipstick on their teeth do you tell them?
I try to, I would want someone to tell me, even if they didn't know me. Sometimes I don't though and then my consience bugs me for not saying anything.

3. Would you rather have a million dollars or your vision of the perfect body?
A million dollars. My body can be worked on...to a point. It wouldn't cost a million bucks to fix either so...I would take the money, pay off all the debt, help others and then maybe take a bit to pamper myself and my family.

4. Favorite magazine?
Don't know, I don't get to read them very often. I would say anything on decorating/design or photography.

5. Bra style..lacey or plain?

Most of mine are plain but I have a few that maybe once I get back down to pre-baby I will be able to wear.

6. If you walked into Victoria's Secret..would you most likely come out with something sexy or comfy?
I love comfy but still cute. I don't like being frumpy too much because I get tired, lazy and occassionally depressed. Looking nice helps my mood.

7. Do you fake and bake? I did a bit in high school for performances but that was only right before hand. I don't anymore.

8. What's your favorite body part on a man?
Hmmm, strong, defined upper chest area. I love a strong looking guy.

Five Question Friday...only it's Saturday :)

2010-01-16T20:20:00.000-08:00

Yay! So I have some peace and quiet to myself! All it took was having my son puke all over the dinner party I was attending and now we are home and he's asleep; poor baby.
Let's play 5QF! Hop on over to Mama M's blog for all the rules and jump on in! :)

1. Worst trouble you ever got into as a teenager?

Ummmm........I can't think of anything as a teenager, I didnt leave myself much time to get in trouble. At 21 though I thought my Dad was gonna kill me through the phone 1800 miles away. See I met my husband that summer, July 4th on the beach...litterally ran into him with my surfboard. We got to talking and everyone else he caught a taxi with from base was leaving for dates. I volunteered to take him home. Took him back to my place once we were done at the beach and I took a shower...alone....while a strange guy walked around my house. My roommated weren't home and no one knew this guy or that I was with him. We went to dinner and then walked the beach in the dark...again alone. I took him back to base (45 min away) that night and then called and told my parents about my day.....needless to say they went through the roof and my dad told me never to talk to him again. We are now happily married nearly 7 years. ;)

2. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I am mostly a night person. I can't seem to go to sleep eventhough I am exhausted. I don't care for early mornings but before kids... I was able to wake up on my own and was very upbeat. Must have been nice.

3. Are you a one-handed or a two-handed Texter?

Two definitely....don't have time to do it one handed and not have my son grab it out of my hands.

4. Democrat, Republican, or Independent..or maybe even Green Party (whatever that is).

Republican, conservative

5. Are you a pet person?

I love pets...some but I am not liking the ones we have. Don't get me wrong I love them but they track snow/mud into the house where my son puts everything in his mouth. We have two german shepherds and they shed...I hate shedding. When they're gone...I don't know what we will do....

Well that's it! Better late than never!

My grown up Little Man

2010-01-12T22:15:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official, I am now the proud Mama to a curious little toddler! Braedon started walking a day or two before Christmas and then last week just took off! As soon as I can find my camera chord (is it bad I still don't have everything unpacked from our trip?) I will post some picks of my proud little man.

He loves walking all over and feels so accomplished. He is excited about the freedom he has and ability to chase his sister a little faster now than crawling after her. The two of them have had a blast this week taking turns chasing each other through the house. Today he walked with me up to the school to pick up Caileigh and he LOVED it! I am so proud of him!

The down side to walking isn't his ability to get into things (that was happening before hand) but that he has all together stopped nursing. sniff sniff I am not ready for this but none the less it is here. He has broken away, our snuggle times at night and in the morning are over and it's heart breaking! I will never get to feel that again and now I have to bribe him with pretzels and carrots for a kiss! Hey, what's a Mama to do??? Atleast he gives me a kiss! :)

I have to give a HUGE thank you to my friend Keely for sending me a pair of Robeez shoes after I won a contest on her blog! They are super cute and Braedon loves them!

Well, I am heading to bed. Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Overwhelmed

2010-01-12T11:46:00.000-08:00

This is turning out to be a frustrating start to the New Year; I knew we should have gone out that night to ensure good luck for the coming year...instead of waking at 1130 only to look at eachother and seriously contemplating turning off the tv and just going to bed. But we didn't, we stayed up, watched the ball drop as we got ready for bed and then shortly thereafter hit the sack. Sad!

But today, I am frustrated and overwhelmed. My dad, as of Thursday, will most likely be out of a job. This presents a lot of stress as we are living with them at the moment. He asked me last night to start getting our things "in order" as we may all be moving out very shortly. We would move back to Texas and thus Soapy would commute from Fort Worth every other week for work to Colorado (or as it stands, Green River Utah--YUCK!). That would be the plan until he can find something new. It would also mean that his "6days off--which really is 5" would turn into 3 or 4 depending on the drive he had to make. Not exciting. at. all!

I am supposed to be starting three new dance classes and beginning a small business in dance themed birthday parties very soon. This would obviously not be a goot thing to start if we are leaving the area. I don't want to leave this way, so quickly, like in the next three weeks. It is too much work, too much stress and mostly too much trauma for Caileigh. She broke into tears on me last week when something was brought up about leaving my parents. I don't know what to do.

We had an offer on our house, it was humiliating and this afternoon I found out that our counter offer will not work. We lost the buyer; I don't think she was really interested anyways. This market sucks! As listed we are losing $5k that we have to bring to closing just to zero out the mortgage, that isn't touching what the value of the house is at. The buyer wanted to offer $12k below that! We just can't do it....it looks like we have to move back. I am going to HAVE to get a permanant job and as it looks I will be getting my teacher's certification. This is ok and I am looking forward to being out of debt. I just hate not being able to care for my own children. I hate not being there when they get out of school (not to mention I am more and more compelled to home school but for obvious reasons that would not work).

I am super SUPER excited for my friend's news about her new pregnancy! It is amazing and God is blessing her and her family in so many ways right now. She is living out the desires I have in my heart. Please go to her blog and see how she is following God's call to Kenya on a blogging missions trip with Compassion International. --The flip side to being overjoyed and totally excited is the pain I am feeling. I want to be doing this kind of missions work; it's what I feel called to be a part of but at the moment I don't know how for several reasons. I am also in pain over wanting another child; honestly I would love to have maybe two more children. The painful truth is without some MAJOR divine intervention to reverse my hubby's little..um...procedure, we will never be able to experience the joys of pregnancy again. This makes me sad. I so want atleast one more and was not ready to make this a permanant decision but he was ready. I am trying to come to terms with this.

So today I am experiencing a lot of overwhelming feelings, not very productive and really wanting to just go back to bed and begin a new day....praying tomorrow is better...or the next day, seeing as tomorrow I got to the dentist.

Mommy Blues

2010-01-06T00:06:00.000-08:00

I have the Mommy Blues tonight. My little man started walking right before Christmas!! Two DAYS before Christmas. I am totally excited about the fact that he's walking but sad to realize my baby, my last baby is growing up. He is so sweet, so precious. I rocked him for a bit tonight and sang to him and just as I was ready to stand up, he curled up and layed his head on my chest and snuggled. I LOVE IT!!! I never want it to end.
I am sad that this will be the last time I get to do this stage. I wish so much that we could continue growing our family. I am not ready for it to end.
Caileigh is growing up too fast. She is such a wonderful big sister and has had such a wonderful time the past two weeks playing with Braedon. This new found freedom in his walking has increased the entertainment factor. I watched as they took turns chasing eachother around the house this morning just busting out in giggles as they would come around the corner. I love the giggles. I pray it never ends.
I wish Soapy could be here. I am so blessed to be able to stay home right now with them and I know that is quickly coming to an end. I wish it wouldn't. I hate that he travels so much and is gone for so much of the "moments". I hate going to bed when he's gone. The first few nights are the worst and I typically sit up until I nearly pass out. I can never relax to sleep when he's gone.
This post was much needed and doesn't begin to get me caught up from the last two weeks but I am not in the mood or have the energy to post more tonight or upload the pictures that I need to get on here. I will save that for maybe tomorrow.

Getting to Know You

2009-12-20T08:30:00.000-08:00

1. Middle name?

Diane

2. What do you think is your best asset (physical)?

Smile

3. If you could only eat one type of cuisine for a year, what would it be (Mexican, American,Chinese..etc.)?

Mexican!

4. Walmart or Target?

Target

5. Favorite State besides the one you live in?

South Carolina!

6. What side of the bed do you sleep on, left or right?

Left

7. King or Queen size bed?

Queen

8. Beer or wine?

Wine

9. Water..ice-cold or room temp?

Ice-Cold

10. Christmas..love it or hate it?

Love it!

Thanks Keely! This is fun! Have a great Sunday; as long as it's better than last Sunday! lol

Photography related giveaway

2009-12-18T08:21:00.000-08:00

It is SO Christmas time!!! I keep finding such wonderful giveaways! This morning MckMama and Grammie Mommy posted a giveaway for Photoshop and Lightroom! Go check it out for all the details and enter for a chance to win! The contest goes until Sunday!

Good luck to you all!

Another Giveaway!

2009-12-17T12:36:00.000-08:00

I am finding all sorts of fun stuff to pass along today! This giveaway is so darn cute! I hope I win them for Braedon!! He would love them and maybe (wink wink) it would give him a reason to start walking for Christmas!!
Go check them out!

Give for Compassion!

2009-12-17T09:39:00.000-08:00

This is a wonderful idea! Aside from the wonderful prize being offered here, Compassion is a wonderful organization! I live not too far from their front door and have seen how they have affected many projects but also the impact they have on Colorado Springs. When I saw this contest I decided to give in addition to what I have done in the past. Please think about giving to this group, they truly use every donation and multiply it to help many!

What a wonderful Christmas gift!

Hot and Healthy Week 7

2009-12-16T21:40:00.000-08:00

Ok...so it feels like I have been gone FOREVER!! I am finally done with the Nutcracker (sigh of relief for the opportunity to get things done for Christmas...somewhat sad that it comes and goes in such a whirlwind though--pictures soon I hope). I got back home tonight from having Braedon at Childrens and Nat'l Jewish in Denver for him being sick, trying to figure it all out. Plans and theories are in the process so please pray we get the answers and results soon!

ANYWAYS....on to my week!
I have continued monitoring what I am eating, forcing myself to drink one water bottle during and right after breakfast, one mid day and one in the afternoon while I am getting prepared to fix dinner. I figure that way, aside from anything else I drink (which I do) I am getting about 80 ounces of water in a day!

I have lost another 2 pounds this past week and though my workouts have not been fabulous or structured..with Nutcracker I have spent Thursday-Monday running around for nearly 3 hours before taking a break. The hour long show...yea...running from one end of the stage to the other to get kids on and then off stage is a lot more work than it sounds.

I am so excited to see what this week holds now that I am done with Nutcracker and next calendar week we will be in Texas so I will have help with the kids and can actually sneak off to the gym or...*gasp* go run the neighborhood because it isn't -20 there!!!

Keely, sorry, I have not gotten in my pilates this week but I wil def make up for it this week! I miss them!!! Any more good exercises to strengthen the lower back???

Nutcracker and Prayers

2009-12-10T21:12:00.000-08:00

This morning was opening for Nutcracker and the kids did a wonderful job all in all! It was a wonderful opening that showed how dedicated our kids are and how wonderfully they work together and care about each other. Please pray that the next 4 shows go just as well or better and that everyone gets to and from safely and healthy!

Next, please pray for Braedon. I picked him up this afternoon after the show was over and he seemed ok. By the time we got home and I started to make lunch he threw up once (assuming it was from shoving his hand down his throat because he was hungry) I continued to try and feed him lunch. I gave up on this attempt as he screamed and threw the food on the floor....yes, nice mess. :) He felt warm so I took his temp and it was at 101.6 and his eczema has flared up bad. A few hours later I changed a horrible diaper that was mixed with blood in it again. We have been blood free since June and now we are starting over with the same place we were this time last year. The doctors aren't sure what to do, his respiratory stuff still isn't better and they don't know what to do about that either. SO, we have now thrown up three times today...running a temp still...blood....Lord, please take care of my baby and heal him so we can have a wonderful, carefree Christmas!

Jewelry Contest!

2009-12-09T21:59:00.001-08:00

There is a contest going on at Keely's blog for some beautiful jewelry! Go check it out!!! I know I have! :)

Hot and Healthy week 6

2009-12-08T11:16:00.000-08:00

This past week was not very good. I had the flu...among other wonderful monthly visitors...so exercising didn't really happen. Here's a recap:

Keely, I didn't do the exercises every day but I did get two days worth done.

I did get TONS of veggies and fruits in as anything fried or too flavorful turned me off being sick and all.....I ate very well and lost 3 pounds!

Over the next 3 weeks I just want to lose the last 10 pounds to my goal for the year, I need to still get in a consistent routine. I am having trouble with this since right now I can't take Braedon to the gym daycare center.

Working out at home usually ends up happening at 10pm after the kids are in bed and the house is picked up....lately I have not been motivated to do that verses going to sleep. On a positive note, I did rehearse Nutcracker for 3 hours this past weekend as our show opens Thursday.

Well, there you go. Not a spectacular week but this week is packed full so, should be good!

Getting to Know Me!

2009-12-06T20:27:00.000-08:00

I found this on a friend's blog and thought I would jump in! Please feel free to jump in too! Have fun with this, either leave your answers in the comment section (just cut and paste the questions) or link up to McLinky! :)

1. How old are you?

28

2.Where are you from and where do you live now?

Originally from Charleston,SC. My dad was military and we moved a lot from ages 9-16. I went back to Charleston for college and met my hubby there. We moved back to Texas when he got out of the Navy and now live in Colorado Springs...so take your pick! :) --I claim Chas.

3. What music have you been diggin lately?

Christmas of course!

4. Favorite food(s)?

Mexican...or anything with dairy as I just recently got to start eating it again after not eating it for a year.

5. Single,married, divorced?

Married nearly 7 years.

6. Kids? If so, how many and how old?

Six...Two here on earth: Caileigh 5 and Braedon 1, 4 more waiting for me in Heaven.

7. What are 3 blogs you read daily?

I read about 5 different blogs a day and would rather not specify just to keep others from wondering why I don't check theirs daily too.

8. What is your favorite Christmas/Holiday tradition?

Hmmm, making Jesus' birthday cake with Caileigh, baking and taking it around to the polic/fire departments and military institutions here in town on Christmas morning.

9. Lastly, if you're a blogger, how long have you been blogging and if you don't have one..how long have you been reading blogs?

I have been blogging since April and following MckMama's blog for the past year. I have a few friends that also keep blogs but don't update often; they have been blogging for nearly 2 years.

Forgiveness and Grace

2009-12-03T10:39:00.000-08:00

So, in light of all the drama in the tabloids about this couple and that couple, I decided to write this post. It is sad that our society has to focus on the "he said/ she said" instead of trying to help these couples overcome their struggles.

Why does our world see it as their duty to air everyone's dirty laundry? Why does a person's infidelities, moral hangups, police run-ins, alcoholic and drug setbacks make the news??!!!!??

You don't see them airing the blessings and positive happenings of our celebrities lives. Why not focus on the good parenting moments or the loving actions or embraces of a couple? What about the kindness extended to total strangers and charity donations that are given? Report about things that will lift others up! Encourage your readers to aspire to do more with their life and stop the gossipping that is tearing eachother down and stirring up insecurities in their own lives. This would be far more productive in so many ways.

I believe struggles that come to light should be dealt with in private. It is not my business to know what is happening in another's personal life. If they are struggling and would like help and come to me for that help, it is totally their choice.

Healing begins with you though. It requires you to feel remorse and desire to change. You have to own your mistakes to yourself, to the victim(s) involved, to God, and to a counselor as needed. Once you can own your mistakes you can start the road to recovery, healing, and moving forward.

I do believe in counseling, Christian counseling above all as I feel these counselors have the desire to help you restore your marriage at all costs if possible. Counseling allows both sides to air out their hurts, their fears, their individual faults in a neutral environment. You have a third party to hold you accountable for your actions. They help you to increase proper communication and teach you how to prevent the current situation from arising again.

Next comes forgiveness. Forgiveness needs to come from you to yourself. You can ask for forgiveness of the person you hurt but you have to be able to forgive yourself in order to put it in the past. You have to ask for forgiveness from your partner. The hard part is you have to realize they may not forgive you; or if they do, don't be confused with forgiveness and forgetfulness. Your spouse may forgive you but it takes time to forget. I know this from personal experiences. My husband, after 3 years of marriage, revealed some very hard secrets from the beginnings of our life together. He had no idea if I would take our daughter and leave him, though he said I had every right to do so and he mostly expected me to. Instead, I knew God had brought us together for a specific purpose. I don't believe in divorce and decided that even though I was hurting, I really did love him and wanted to try and work past our current pain.

We began counseling, starting communicating A LOT about our individual fears and things about ourselves we wanted to change. It changed and saved our marriage! It hasn't been easy and still has it's down times as forgiveness does not mean forgetfulness. I ask God for His grace to allow me to forget. Most of the memories are gone where as before I asked for His grace, the memories and thoughts, anxieties would surface every day.

God's grace is a powerful thing! It can help you to forgive AND forget. It saves you from your sins and can help you overcome your weaknesses and remove them from your personal makeup. Without God's grace we would be lost and without hope.

I hope maybe this helps someone else possibly struggling with these issues or maybe someone who is hooked on all the gossip and hype to evaluate their own actions and turn them into something good.

Merry Christmas!

Hot and Healthy...week 5

2009-12-01T20:44:00.000-08:00

--ok, so i am putting this in after i wrote my post....cant get the logo to copy over so just imagine it's here anyways. :)

This past week, in spite of the holidays, was actually pretty good. I did all the pilates exercises, lost 5 pounds (dont feel it though) and went on two walks; one with kids and one just me and Soapy. IT WAS GREAT! :)

I did really well eating too! I have put together a nice regimin that allows roughly 400 calories a meal. Works out to 1600 cal (4 meals). For Thanksgiving, Soapy and I hosted so we cooked everything. It was all made to be on the healthier side of the holiday. To make it extra cautious I took a desert plate (knowing I would want to go back for seconds), so when it was time for wanting just another spoonful of this or that, it wasn't more food that getting one regular helping. It's the simple things that fool my mind these days....

I am not feeling my best today as my "aunt" came to visit..I wish she wouldn't bother...but I am getting ready for Nutcracker performances next week so it is going to be busy busy and tons of rehearsals. I shouldn't have a problem getting in the workout time...just hoping for the energy to continue the pilates this week! :)

Happy B-Day sweet Braedon

2009-11-25T00:06:00.000-08:00

I know this is late but it's been a big day for us! We have had so much fun playing and getting prepared for your birthday party/Thanksgiving dinner Thursday. I wanted to document your first birthday though so I and you will have it to read in the future. So here it goes:

Braedon,
You are the love of my life and have absolutely stollen my heart. I can't believe you are already one year old! It seems like yesterday that I was still pregnant with you, laying in the hospital bed anxiously awaiting your arrival. The labor was so long and soo difficult but at 12:49pm there you were! So perfect and sweet and absolutely breathtaking. I will never forget that day.
You are such a blessing from Heaven to me and your father. We love you so much! Caileigh loves you so much too and it is wonderful to see how yall light up every time yall are together.

I love our snuggles. I wish they could be at any other time than the middle of the night but I love them just the same and know that some day soon you will outgrow that need for being close. I am holding onto every precious moment I can! Your love has helped heal my heart and I love you for that too!

Your sweet little smile and dark blues eyes can stop my heart and take away the feelings of fatigue on the days I am so far beyond drained.

You are my sweet, sweet little man and always will be. Thank you for letting me be your Mommy, I know I am thankful that you are my son.

Love you with all my heart! Happy first birthday!

Mommy

Hot and Healthy...week 4..I think :)

2009-11-23T22:39:00.000-08:00

This week has been horrible and frustrating and uninspiring!
I have eaten so well this week (except for one day that I did not totally blow) and thought I was going to be able to hit the gym every day.

Instead....I have been sick with what I now know is a major sinus infection. With the feeling of death yesterday, I reluctantly shelled out the copay to be seen at the doctors. Glad I did now though!

So instead of kickin it in the gym non stop, I spent it in bed. I only got about 3 hours in total for the week. I am however getting tons and tons of water in my diet no and that is great! I LOVE the pilates moves and do them every day, even if I haven't gotten to the gym. They are helping with my flexibility and my dancing too. I dug out my prego pilates video and have done that with my daughter.

I am not feeling so hot this week but was up until I got sick so I am sure this has just been a down week due to the infection. I did have some fast food, but I didn't get fries (got a side salad) and got chicken strips instead of a burger.

Hoping the next few days can help correct last week and prevent Thursday from being overwhelming. Good news is everyone is coming over to celebrate Braedon's birthday for Thanksgiving so I am doing all the cooking. Hot and Healthy being served up for everyone this holiday season! :)

My Favorite Things!

2009-11-23T22:23:00.000-08:00

I follow a wonderful woman's blog and she has put together a contest of her favorite things. She's listed her 5 favorite things with the intention that after everyone has posted, it will give tons of Christmas shopping ideas. I think this is great!
Being sick, I almost missed it but I am going to jump on in here and hope someone may see this last minute and join in too!

My 5 Favorite Things!

1. My dance shoes....I love taking ballet. It is a wonderful form of exercise and expression.

2. My Mary Kay products. I have used their skin care since I was 8 and I absolutely love it and love selling it! There are so many cool things and wonderful colors. The quality is great and the price is wonderful! www.marykay.com/cmartin2773

3. My camera. I have an Olympus...not what I would like but the picture quality isn't bad for a P&S. I am saving up for a Cannon xti...that is going to be a good day!

4. My Victorias Seceret bras! I just go them and they are wonderful and comfortable. It's definitely an investment but they fit perfectly and last such a long time!

5. My Josh Groban Noel Christmas cd from last year. I have been listening to it in the car a lot lately!

Well, those are just a few. Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas everyone! Have fun shopping.

Hot and Healthy Week 3

2009-11-18T22:31:00.000-08:00

Sorry, this is going to be as organized as I can be right now, as I have had 2 hours of sleep and I am crashing BIG time!

This past week was not what I wanted it to be. I have tried the pilates 3 days this past week, danced 4 hours and did kettleball workout once. I have wanted to start running again. I really REALLY want to run a half marathon this spring! I need the motivation to get out and run...just have NO motivation to do it in the snow :). Not that it's an excuse but we had Braedon at the doctors twice this week for allergic reactions and then Friday morning for tubes....I am so ready for my hubby to come home tomorrow!!! :)

My diet has been for the most part great. I only went to Chickfila once but got a salad. I did have a piece of chocolate cake my dad brought home (but I spread it out over 4 days....two or three bites a night so does that count?? :) ) My biggest concern over my diet is still the water intake and we have had to put Braedon on a formula for the most part so he isn't getting much breast milk now. The temptations to eat more freely are really great as I am not restricted for the health of my son.

It will all work out!..workout...haha! :P

Sorry this is late but I just got back from Denver Children's and the kids are in bed! Going to work harder this week so I can get the weight advantage before the holiday! Can anyone help me out with why I have not lossed pound weight but my clothes are fitting loser??? That is very frustrating!

Thank God for small groups!

2009-11-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

I should be going to bed but I wanted to post a small preface to a longer post tomorrow. Yesterday I attended the Focus On Parenting conference here in Colorado Springs at Focus on the Family. It was A.MA.ZING!!!!!!!! I learned so much! Have you ever been somewhere that you just knew God was calling you to? A place where you just knew he brought you to in order to tell you something? Something that will help you grow?

That is how I felt yesterday. The registration was money I had a hard time spending but I felt God pushing me to fill out the registration. I told Soapy I needed to go, that with the current stresses of our life and the road block I have found myself at lately in parenting with Caileigh, I knew God wanted me there to learn something. LEARN I DID!

We heard from several speakers and over the next few days I will blog about each one. I think it's important to give them each their own time becuase they each had so much to say.

I realized a lot about my own personal struggles. Struggles I think I knew I had between me and God but was easier to deny until now. I realized I feel let down by God, that I was hurt, my life has not turned out the way I thought it should. I didn't have the perfect husband, the perfect marriage, the way that perfect marriage made a perfect family......seeing a pattern here???? I have felt that the hurts and hangups of my past were God's way of punishing me for something. That maybe I didn't deserve a Godly husband and a happy marriage. That I didn't deserve a close knit relationship with my daughter and the children I have lost were in some way punishment for something I had done to let God down.

I am here to say, nothing could be more wrong...screwed up...TOTALLY TOTALLY off base! I know that! I have always known that but the hurt I have felt through events in my marriage have caused me to have trouble trusting. Not only trusting my husband (which is very unhealthy and we are MUCH better at now, we have been attending counseling ever since and I encourage anyone experiencing hurdles in their marriage to seek out a third party--qualified third party and talk it out. We aren't fixed by any means but we are working on it) but also trusting God to take care of me, my kids, my marriage. I realized it's easy for me to be engaged in a relationship with Christ until it gets too deep and then I back out. I feel trapped and vulnerable. At that moment I am transparent and that scares me. Scares me to think God could see me for me, all the sin I am and that He would turn away. That the hang ups I have created for myself are too much, the way I project them into my marriage and how they affect my parenting.

I got home last night and my dad sat down to hear about the conference. I told him what I was thinking and he told me something that stung but was very much the truth, "Christy, your problems in parenting and between you and Soapy have nothing to do with them. Your problems are a result of your troubled relationship with God. You can't blame this on anyone or anything else, this is your problem." He was right. After thinking on it last night and being faced again with this idea in our small group study this evening, I realize the conflict in my relationship with God directly affects my relationships with others. It causes me not to give over my marriage and my children to God because I fear losing them too. I fear God not caring for them the way I want him to. The irony is, God's will is not determined by my desires. I have to give up all to Him and rest assured that God is going to protect my worries. I have to know that what I hav been through is in no way punishment. God won't give me more than I can handle and if I had not been through some of these building moments I would not be growing my relationship with God.

My small group tonight allowed me to really see how my insecurities with God are affecting my ability to be a Godly wife and mother. I so desperately want to be both but first I need to work on me and my relationship with the Big Man upstairs. Once that is right, the rest of my relationships will benefit and thrive from it.

Good night. I know this probably came off as mixed ramblings but I will sleep better with it off my mind and on paper. Goodnight! :)

Oh the sweet sweet sounds!

2009-11-13T12:21:00.000-08:00

Braedon is out of surgery and has been taking a nap. He did very well during the surgery. His right ear had a lot of puss and fluid in it so they drained it out and inserted the two tubes.
Prior to surgery, we got there early, Braedon and I went for a walk around the surgery center and I pulled him in his first wagon ride! He had so much fun until my dad showed up and then he wanted "Papa" to pick him up and get him outta there!
He struggled a bit with the anesthesia..I thought I was going to end up KO-ed but finally he started to cooperate and we were able to hold the mask on him to get him ready for surgery. It was a bit emotional for me to watch him fight and then suddenly go limp and his body shake. After the surgery I was able to go back to recovery and could hear him as I walked down the hall. He was awake and mad. He was ok. Angry but ok. I fed him, not that it helped :) We waited a while to make sure this time he kept his O2 sats up (he did) and then we were let go. When we got home he snuggled for a bit and then went straight to sleep! He's been sleeing for 3 hours!

Dr. C said the next couple days may be touchy for him just because he is going to have an immediate change in his ability to hear. Sounds are going to be much clearer and louder. His hearing before was much like that of plugged ears when flying or driving into higher altitudes. Everything was very muffled and distant sounding. Now it is very clear and much louder to him. Dr. C said it might scare him for a few days until he gets used to his new hearing.

We are all optimistic that it is going to help a lot of things! He is going to stop having ear infections! He is going to start hearing all the beautiful, sweet sounds of this wonderful world. Hopefully it is going to turn his speech and balance around as well. I am so excited to see what changes we have in store!

Five Question Friday

2009-11-13T11:55:00.000-08:00

I saw this on Mama M's blog and thought it sounded like something fun to do as I sit here with my baby boy sleeping in my arms. Here it goes! :)

1. What is your favorite "eat" on Thanksgiving?

Wow! I love the holidays. Now I love Thanksgiving even more as my little man's birthday is that week! I think my most favorite dish is my turkey. I baste it in butter (or EVOO now that I have made it a couple times and am looking, then add pineapple and rosemary. It cooks very quickly no matter how big the turkey is, it cooks in about 2.5 hours. It's so juicy but not sweet like you would think it would be from the pineapple.

2. What is the name your best girl friend and the best trait about her or how you met (or heck, both!!)

Ane, actualy it's Ariane. She's from Brazil and we met when our husbands had first joined the Navy. We were next door neighbors, were pregnant with our first two together and also with the second two we were due on the same day. She and I are so much a like and we have so much in common. We act and look alike and consider each other sisters. We even share the same last name!
Our kids are the same ages and love to be with each other. Our husbands are best friends as well and we can't wait to be able to live close to each other again. She is so honest and kind and I know she would be here for me in a heartbeat if I needed her; no matter the cost or time of day.

3. What would you say is one of your "weirdest" quirks?

Hmm, the one thing that drove my husband nuts when we were first married was how I put the comforter on. It had flowers on it and I had to have the blossoms at the top and the stems pointing towards the bottom of the bed. Because flowers grow up not down...duh! :)

There are many more but he isn't here to help me think of them. :)

4. What is your favorite genre of music? (Hip hop? Classical? Rock? etc.)

Hmm, I don't care for heavymetal, hard rock or rap. I mostly listen to Contemporary Christian, Country, some classical when my husband lets me. I used to sing with the Symphony and loved it.

5. Are you a Night Owl...or an Early Bird?

I am definitely more of a night owl instead of an early bird. I seem to handle this post-pregnancy's no sleep regimin better than the first. If I got to sleep more than 4 or 5 hours I might be more of a morning person. They key is to let me have 20 minutes to myself and wake up without anyone asking for anything, nagging...etc.

Hot and Healthy...week 2

2009-11-11T22:10:00.000-08:00

So week one did not go as well as I had hoped but I was still able to get in 3 hours of dance (180 min total!). It wasn't my normal load but with two kids sick...I am happy I got that much done.
The diet definitely is getting back on track. Now that Braedon seems to be handling more in his diet, I have been slacking in watching what I eat as much. Still not horrible but definitely not as good as I was being. I spent this week trying to get myself back on track. I actually went through the cubboards and threw out things that I knew would tempt me. That didn't go over well with the hubby at times because they were things he liked but he'll get over it. :) I figure he doesn't need them and I explained that I needed his help on this so I could reach my goal. He seemed ok then.

This week I am going for no cokes (as a Southerner this does not refer to actual Coke but to all carbonated bvgs). I picked up some limes and lemons and plan to have them in my water to change it up a bit when I get tired of plain water. I am also logging my intake so I can see what I am eating and how much. I got away from logging what I ate because everything I was eating I knew Braedon could get through nursing. Just because it's healthy for him and not going to cause allergy probs doesn't mean I can continue to eat. Everything in moderation. :)

I got 45 min of pilates in tonight and want to have twice that amount tomorrow. Braedon goes in for surgery Friday morning so Friday and Saturday could be challenging...we will see. I am praying for the best!

I am thankful for....

2009-11-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

I would love to start some posts related to the upcoming holidays to see how others celebrate and what traditions they may have, etc. I really would like this to be an open post that we can learn about each other and other's cultures and families. Please feel free to jump in and comment!

This post, I want to talk about what we are thankful for. I would like to see what miracles God is working in other's lives, what blessings have been given to everyone. It doesn't matter how large or small they are. It could be that you got to sleep in this morning while normally your children have you up by 6am. It could be that you got a good grade on a recent test. It could be a successful surgery or the fact that you were blessed with an anonymus gift that helped you and your family make ends meet in this struggling economy. Anything! I want this to be a post that can inspire others and give hope as we face seperate struggles through life.

Right now I have A LOT to be thankful for. My children are getting healthy and Friday afternoon Braedon will prayerfully be able to hear better and regain his small hearing loss. I am thankful I even HAVE children; that God allowed me to make it through these two pregnancies. It is amazing and a miracle!

I am thankful for having a day to relax and not have an agenda so I can spend time with my daughter. We are going to start working on our homemade Christmas ornaments that we are giving as gifts this year. With things being tight, we are making our gifts. I am so excited! It will truly be a way to give without the stress of how much we have spent. Caileigh is really excited too!

I am thankful we have insurance right now as we have been to doctors a lot lately and have several more over the next few weeks. I am thankful my wonderful husband sticks with his job so he can take care of us; even though it keeps him gone more than he's home. I love him for loving us enough to work so hard! Thanks honey!!!

I am thankful my parents have let us live with them for nearly 2 years. While it was no one's plan for us to stay this long, I am grateful we are not "on the streets" or in total financial ruin as we wait for our house to sell back in Texas. They have 100% shown how Jesus intended us to be there for others. THANK YOU!

I am thankful for my health. Thankful that the mammogram I had came out negative for a lump; that I will not be faced with breast cancer. My prayers go out to the women and families that are faced with this. The thoughts that race through your head while you wait for the test and then wait for the results are horrible. Every time I looked at my family, my children I cried wondering if I would be able to help them grow up, if I would be able to care for them if I had to go through chemo....it was a humbling time in my life and I am so thankful God has protected me and allowed me to get healthy results. My prayers and sympathy extend to those that are walking this road no matter what type of cancer it is.

Finally, I am thankful for my faith. For having a loving Heavenly Father who is always here no matter how nice...or hateful I have been. He doesn't leave me when I try to go it on my own, He waits patiently for me to return. He cares for my children in Heaven as well as my children here on earth. He protects my family and allows me to grow daily! He has saved me and has a special place for me waiting in Heaven. He is such a wonderful God!

So! What are you thankful for?? I would love to hear and rejoice in your blessings!!! Have a wonderful Veterans Day!

Christy

Veteran's Day

2009-11-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Veteran's Day everyone! Thank you to all those who have served (thanks Daddy! thanks Honey!) and to those who are serving now (thanks Byron and Ane! thanks Kala and Nick! thank you to all those I don't know or haven't mentioned). We are so lucky to live in a country that is protected so well. I am so grateful to those men and women who are away from their families so I can sleep in peace at night and to their spouses and children for sacrificing their family member to secure my safety.

Thank You!

Braedon is getting tubes.....

2009-11-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

So I took Braedon to the ENT this morning....I thought maybe he would give us an idea of another way to drain his ears. Instead they booked him for surgery this Friday...the 13th. Is that bad that his surgery is on the 13th???, not that I believe in that stuff...because I don't. But still.....

I guess I am nervous because last time Braedon was under sedation he came out having problems breathing and was put on oxygen for 2 days...he was only supposed to stay in over night. Plus Soapy isn't home, he left yesterday for work so I will be going it alone this time. I have Caileigh to think of, she has school Friday morning and I think I have someone that can take her but I am still nervous. The thing I am dreading the most is having to help hold him still while they put the mask on him. He fought a LONG TIME and it was hard on me to watch him cry so hard. No he's older and bigger and I am going to be a nervous wreck. Pray for us that things go well. I know it's nothing major, and it could be a lot worse but I don't think any procedure is easy for mom's to give up control.

I guess that is why I constantly give control over to God...it's a life long process really. Daily I submit to God, and ask him to take control of my life and my struggles. Daily I ask for forgiveness for failing and accomplishing this goal. Daily He forgives me and takes up my cross again. Such a wonderful Father!

A Thankful Heart

2009-11-09T21:25:00.000-08:00

I am in such awe and admiration of our God right now! Today was just another day for most but for the McKinney family it was a day filled with miracles and proof that our God is a Mighty God! Stellan and his mom headed for Boston late last week to begin the process of a possible (but inevitable) heart surgery that was scheduled for tomorrow morning. After Sunday early afternoon, it was obvious this procedure would have to be done and soon. Today was an unimaginably hard day for both Stellan and his parents. His mom, Jennifer, sat and watched as he struggled to hold on and at one point flat lined. He was in need of a miracle. Tonight, God gave him that miracle. His doctors were faced with having to sacrifice a vital part of his heart that would have required a permanant pacemaker when one of them had a risky idea. They went with it and it worked!!!!
Stellan is SVT free!! He is beating in normal sinus rythm and did not need a pacemaker. Upon reading this news I cried! I cried and thanked God for the miraculous work He performed today and for letting His will be for Stellan to live. His dad has finally been able to make it to Boston to be with him and Jennifer after having struggles of his own at the airports. They are together and I am so thankful!

This news makes me so thankful for my family. For the overall health that we have. Thankful that God has taken care of Braedon this week as he had the swine flu and had an exceptionally high fever for several days. Thankful that so far, no one else has caught it. Thankful that his respiratory problems, while they sound bad, have not caused him to develop pneumonia. I am thankful.

I am also thankful to Jennifer, for her faith. I don't know how she does it but I want to have faith that strong. I love my Lord and feel very strong in my faith but I am encouraged by Jennifer's ability to let go and let God take control. She was able to let Him have Stellan, no matter what the outcome was to be and she was ok with that. Of course she wanted her baby back in her arms but she realized that God's plan may not be her plan. I have learned so much from her and through their struggles with Stellan's SVT, I have grown closer to God and strengthened my relationship with Him. Thank you Jennifer!

Last, I am thankful for my husband and the life he works so hard to provide for us. His job is not the best and the sacrifice he makes of not being home is often very hard. We are searching and waiting on God to bless us with a job that will allow Soapy to stay home with us. For now though, we are thankful for the time we do get together. I am thankful that God has helped us grow through A LOT of struggles in our marriage; without Him we would surely have ended in divorce. We have a lot of growing to do still and things that we need to work through, but thanks to our Heavenly Father, I know we will make it and come out stronger and closer than we could ever have imagined we would be.

So tonight, in honor of Stellan, I am thankful. I have a thankful heart for all of my blessings, all of my weaknesses that provide me an opportunity for growth, for all of my family and friends, and for my God. Without Him, none of this would be possible.

Goodnight! :)

Hot and Healthy Through the Holidays

2009-11-05T01:13:00.000-08:00

So, I have found this challenge through http://www.mckmama.com/ in her blog community and I think it's a great idea! Go to http://www.mannland5.com/2009/11/healthy-thru-holidays.html to find out how to sign up and participate. The idea is we are all encouraging and challenging each other through the New Year to get healthy and lose weight. Everyone will post on Tuesdays with their progress, will receive their weekly challenge from the administrators and on Thursdays there will be tips/ideas for how to make your goals a success.

So here it goes.

I have spent the last 11 months chasing my newborn son and 5 year old daughter. Braedon has had many health issues that caused me to be on a very strict diet in order to continue breast feeding. I have been so excited to see how God has used this time to help me lose weight. I have lost all my pregnancy weight and 35 pounds on top of that; a total of 75 pounds since Nov 24, 2008!!!!!

I still need to lose about 15-20 pounds and really need to tone more than anything at this point. I want to continue to breast feed but am having a lot of problems with my supply so I don't think I will be able to keep it up much longer. This scares me because then the temptations to eat freely will be back. Right now I can control what I eat for the sake of my son.

I want so much though to be able to end this year knowing I have completed my weight loss goal and all of it is behind me. I need motivation though. I need someone to push/challenge me; I am a VERY competitive person (in a healthy way). My husband travels a lot and I don't have a workout partner so I end up spending most of my workout time teaching dance and trying to take a class of my own here and there. I need someone I can check in to say, "Hey I went to the gym today!" I LOVE TO WORKOUT and I LOVE the gym. I just need someone to help get me in the pattern of going.

I am excited that this group will give me the challenge and accountability to do this. Good luck everyone!!!

Please pray for Stellan

2009-10-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

Please pray for Stellan McKinney! He is going to be one tomorrow, October 29th. He is currently in PICU at Children's in Minneapolis, MN. He was taken there last night after going into SVT and not being able to correct himself. The night and day have been such a rollercoaster and have been VERY VERY serious.
He is such a precious and beautifully amazing child. Please send him and his family and the doctors all the prayers and warm wishes you can. They really need them right now.
To follow his story, please go to http://www.mckmama.com/ or click on the button at the bottom of my page.

Thanks!
Christy

Not Me Monday

2009-10-26T14:57:00.000-07:00

So this week was pretty slow, but I can't help telling a few Not Me's myself.

Braedon is such an amazing child. He is really growing up! So much that he is pointing and starting to say more "words". We went to Walmart and so did not want to crawl under a shelf as he pointed at a woman and said, "Dog, dog!" My child would never say something embarrassing like that, they are always well mannered.

While walking through the same trip to Walmart Caileigh was recounting the latest Biggest Loser episode. We love to watch this show together. After talking about the show, she did not, very loudly proclaim that she would like to go to the Biggest Loser campus but that she doesn't want to be one of the fat people that go there. Wouldn't you know there were plus sized people shopping on the same isle.....I would NEVER allow my child to talk about something so sensitive. She would never make me want to just crawl into the freezer just to get away from some of the looks I was getting.

Last, I most certainly didn't let a 4 year old babysit my 11 mos old (in the next room) just so I could stay and take one dance class, one free hour to myself. Not Me!

Happy Not Me Monday everyone!!

Kids, the say the darndest things!

2009-10-21T08:06:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I picked Caileigh up from school and took her to use her Starbucks gift card on a hot chocolate. Yes, you heard me right, my 5 year old daughter got a Starbucks gift card as a birthday present. She absolutely loves their hot chocolates and we are trying to explain the value of money management to her so she doesn't make the same mistakes we have made.

On the way to Starbucks:

C:Mom, can I get a snack too? I am hungry.

Me: Well honey, Mommy used our play money up the other day to get us a slushy. We have to wait until next week for more play money. Can you wait until we get home?

C:I guess, but then how are we buying the hot cocoa?

Me: With your gift card, you still have money on it.

C: Then can I use the rest of the money to buy a snack? Then we don't have to use our money! It's like free money!!!

Oh, if only it were that simple. :)

So after our drive thru at Starbucks we went to Mardels, a wonderful Christian store here. It's like Sams is to Walmart; Mardels seems to have an amazing selection over some other smaller stores. We like to go and sit in the childrens' area and look at all the new things. On our way out we saw a sight that interested and perplexed Caileigh.

C: Mom, look at those girls! They have pink stripes in their hair!!! That's weird.

M:Uh huh.

C:Mom, when I get older, like 10 can I put pink in my hair? Pink is one of my favorite colors.

M: (not wanting to start opening that issue) Well honey, lets see how things go when we get to that point. Okay?

C:Okay, what about doing it now? I could look like Lady Lovelylocks (yes, I had that book as a child and have passed it on to her)

M:Well, you need to ask your Daddy about that one. This is a pretty big thing so both Mommy and Daddy need to agree on it together or the answer is no.

C:Well I don't want to ask Daddy first. Let's do it and then tell him.

M:laughing-Nope you need to ask him first, those are the rules.

C: Well, I can just wait until I am older and then I can do it anyways.

Kids say the darndest things!

Letter to my Angel

2009-10-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

You can skip over this post if you want. It was more or less a way for me to get my thoughts and feeling on "paper" and to have later as I look back on life. I just need to say it so maybe it will help resolve. If anyone reads this, please pray for me. I am having a hard time dealing with this and it makes me angry. I dont want to hurt over this anymore. I am so happy and blessed to have my two children, especially Braedon after all the miscarriages. That makes me angry that I cannot let it go when I have been blessed with these two beautiful children.

Angel,
It's been two years since I had to say goodbye to you. I feel silly sometimes hurting so much over a baby I never held, you weren't even in my for that long. I never got to feel you kick or watch you suck your thumb. I heard your heartbeat though and for 12 weeks I knew you were mine!
But I was wrong; you weren't mine. You, just like all my children, are God's. He took you just like he took the others for reasons I don't understand.
I never wanted a big family but if I could have God grant a wish it would be to have all my children back. I think maybe that's why I wanted to get pregnant again and was upset about Daddy's surgery. I know it's not true but somehow I guess I feel like having another baby would bring you back or fill the hole you left. I know now after having your brother that your spot can't be filled no matter how many babies I have.
I miss you, so much. It hurts still so bad. I hoped that hurt would go away but it doesn't. I remember my time with you like it just happened. I remember the details of what I wore, where we went, the doctors' appts, telling your sister, hearing your heartbeat, seeing you jump around, and not hearing your heartbeat.
I remember sitting there crying and how wonderful Caileigh was just hugging my foot. I remember calling your Daddy and driving 4 hours to go pick him up. I remember that morning signing permission for them to take you from me. I hated it! I wanted to keep you, forever. I cried and hurt; I still do.
I think about you all the time and wish I could have held you, even for a moment. Did you look like me? Did you have my button nose and your Daddy's eyes and smile? Was I to have another little girl like I suspect you were??
Why couldn't you stay? What job has God given you up there? Are you running and playing? Do you sing and help take care of the animals? Please tell the others I love them and miss them. Please watch out for these children down here hurting and sick. I pray God will let you watch over us too.
I love you and miss you so much but am so thankful I got a second chance at giving life to a child. Caileigh and Braedon are my world here and I am so lucky to have them. I love you and someday I will be able to hold you and see how beautiful God created you.

Love you!
Mommy

Remember my Angel

2009-10-19T20:11:00.000-07:00

Two years ago today Caileigh and I sat at the OB's office as they did a routine ultrasound and found there was not a heartbeat. Two years ago today I lay there on the examining table as he told me he was sorry and to take all the time I needed. Really? All the time I needed??? Well, I still need time. Is that fair? I sat there that day crying, wondering how I was going to call my husband and tell him while he was working out of town. How was I going to call my family and tell them that yet again, we had lost our baby. One thing I did not have to wonder was how I was going to tell Caileigh she would not be a big sister.
Caileigh sat there and she knew. She picked up that this time, there was not a rapid thumping resonating through the room. She knew when I started crying something was wrong. She so sweetly and innocently stood there, hugging my foot while I layed there and cried. She held me, my 3 year old held me. She was my rock that afternoon as we drove to another office for a second ultrasound to confirm what the first doctor found. They did and she sat quietly and patiently waiting.

The next couple days were the worst. It happened on a Friday so I had to wait until Monday morning to go in for a D & C. When I got there and started filling out the paperwork I had the hardest time. I couldn't do it. I had to sign a paper listing my procedure as an abortion. I LOST MY BABY! I wanted to scream at the lady behind the desk that I was not giving her away, I had lost her. My body wasn't letting her go, every part of me wanted that baby.

Later that Christmas season Caileigh needed me. She came and asked me why the baby had to die and why she could not be a big sister. She asked if she could be a baby in my tummy again so God could take her to heaven too to be a big sister. I wanted to die, I was torn for my sweet daughter who was obviously hurting more than I realized. I was hurting for that bond that she had with our unborn baby and the fact that our baby would not be able to know her big sister's love.

It still hurts and I am still torn. Caileigh drew a picture the other day of our family and included an angel baby with wings. She said that was her sister in heaven. We both have been having a hard time I guess this week. I sat down last week and wrote two songs (in progress mind you...they are nowhere near complete but I hope to make them that way soon) and a letter to my precious little Angel. I am hoping these will help heal the hurt that I thought I had come to grips with and accepted and had moved past. Do you ever move past this? Ihave accepted it, and I know some day I will see all 4 of my miscarried children there but will I ever not hurt over it?

Here are the two songs:

Angel of Mine
How could I know I would miss you this much?
I barely knew you but it was instant love the moment I met you.
You weren't even born but my love for you had grown far more than I knew.

I dreamt of your smile, your laugh, the sparkle in your eyes.
I imagined your first cry,
I saw your first steps,
They all play over in my mind.

Why did you have to go?
Your father and I miss you so.
I wonder what you'd have been like,
my heart, his eyes.
I pray for you each night and day,
Wishing God didn't take you away.

Please know that we love you,
Your brother and sister too.
Sweet Angel of mine.

Untitled
There's a song in my heart
That I know I've heard before.
It bekons me to call
On the Onw who knows my heart!

Lord, You are my hope, You are my strength.
You are the One who knows my pain.
Lord build me up, show me Your way.
Please take this pain away.

Don't let this define me,
But let it remind me of Your miraculous unfailing love.

Not Me Monday

2009-10-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

I love Not Me Mondays, it allows me to air all my dirty laundry and join other women in the realization that contrary to how our week has gone, we are all great moms in spite of our mistakes! To read other NMM go to MckMama's blog at http://www.mckmama.com/

So it was another week without my husband and I most certainly did not procrastinate in cleaning the house just because no one was here. I always have all laundry done, folded and neatly put away where it belongs before it has even cooled from the heat of the dryer. I never leave pots in the sink like I most certainly did not do this week washing by hand what I needed just so I don't have to empty the dishwasher.

I did not give Braedon a new box of Cherrios in the car while my dad and I fished Friday night just so he would stop screaming and give us more time to night fish! :) I did not use the back of my Tahoe as a playpin for the kids to confine them to one space since it was 30 degrees outside.

I did not go 4 days without a shower just because I used Braedon's nap times to take a nap myself or chat with friends online. Taking one at night or setting my alarm to get up that much earlier in the morning wasn't an option. :)

Lastly, I didn't drive around today for two hours looking for errands to run just becuase it was the first time Braedon has slept soundly and I had a moments peace and quiet.

There, I feel better! :)